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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Perfectionism Passed Down

As week three of homeschooling rolls on, I have more realizations of who my children (and I) are and how we work. The lesson this week has been difficult for Tucker and I to learn. As Tucker and I are both firstborn children, we both have a natural tendancy towards perfectionism. It is a quality that can be super frustrating and limiting to me, and I have been trying for years not to be so hard on myself. All my life I have avoided doing things unless I could do them perfectly, often would not try new things, and would feel like a failure if I was not absolutely perfect at what I was doing. I wouldn't even play team sports for more than one season because the pressure I put on myself was so unbearable. This is the last quality I would have ever wanted to pass down to my children. But I did. Tucker has a very similar personality to my own, and I have discovered more in depth this week that he is very hard on himself. While attempting to read or draw, he has melted down screaming, "I can't do it! I want it to be perfect." And then he goes on to sob, "It has to be perfect. It has to be perfect." :-( It breaks my heart. I wonder what effect I had on him. Was it my perfectionism that he is taking on? Or the fact that as my firstborn I poured all my hopes and dreams into him, thinking everything he did was so wonderful, giving him the impression that everything he did was perfect, only for him to struggle with new experiences and learning in the future? The only bright side is that I can totally relate to him and I use the opportunity to teach him that Jesus is the only perfect person who has walked this earth, and that being perfect is impossible. I hold him while he calms down and let that thought sink in for me as well. We can only try our hardest, that's all that God asks of us. I am going to have Tucker memorize a verse today that will help him when he feels like he has to be perfect, Romans 3:10 "As it is written:"There is no one righteous, not even one." I also need to learn this for myself. Also, it does not say in Galatians, being perfect is one of the fruits of the Spirit. All you can do is your heartfelt best.
This is definately not finished, but I hope that what I have said to Tucker is sinking in so that he doesn't feel this way forever. And that I don't either.

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