If God Had Not Been With Me...

I don't know about you, but I thrive when in the structured accountability of group Bible studies. I love studying the scriptures and meditating on every living word. But without the deadline of Tuesday morning, somehow I don't accomplish as much as I would like. I am currently in two Bible studies (And a small group. And a MOPS group. I think I am addicted.) One of the studies is Beth Moore's "Stepping Up" which thoroughly studies the Pslams of ascent.

Today I read Psalm 124, and it was probably the first time I laid eyes upon this tiny chapter. The very first line changed my outlook forever. "If God had not been on our side..." Sweet, funny, anointed Beth went on to ask us where we might have been if God had not rescued us from where we were. As often in Mrs. Moore's studies, I was stopped in my tracks, crying my eyes out, thanking Jesus for the unending, undeserved love that God has for me. My mind immediately went to the moment I reinvited Him into my life after straying away. I was a 20 year old mom of an 18 month old, married for just over a year and fighting with my husband almost daily. I was stubborn, prideful, unforgiving and selfish. I was also hurt and frustrated. I was convinced that I was always right, he was always wrong, and no one could persuade me otherwise. Basically, I thought he was a burden to live with, but really I was the monster in the house.

Beth's question said, "What might have happened with your life "if the LORD had not been on (your) side?" With tears in my eyes I wrote: divorced, single mom, partier, selfish.

As I did my study in the car during a chilly evening at baseball practice, I looked up at my son practicing and I thought about the life I would have had if God hadn't have intervened when He did,. Or worse, if I wouldn't have listened to Him . I would only have Tucker, I would probably be working all the time to support myself, I probably wouldn't have been watching him at practice, for all I know I wouldn't have been able to afford to put him baseball. I would have been bitter, angry, lonely, selfish, and empty. The thought of this alternate life, a life that was very near happening for real 6 years ago, still at this moment brings me to tears in humility and thankfulness.  Left to myself, I would have been in that place. Thanks to God, my creator and rescuer, I am blessed with a life I dreamed about.  I can't let the thought go. The amazing grace of God to save me from myself, forgive me for my choices, and redeem me to I life I never deserved. Unbelievable. Thank you LORD.

I never wanted to forget this moment, this thought of "if God had not been with me." I had to chronicle it in the story that is my life.

  This is my story, what is yours? Where would you be if he hadn't rescued you from yourself or your situation? Take a moment to meditate and then thank Him in humble praise!

The Day Has Arrived

The day finally came. I always knew this day would come. The day my kid understood math, science, and human anatomy enough to put two and two together.

"Mommy, you got married in January 2006 and I was born in July 2006. How did that happen?"

I didn't know what to say, after all I had only had 7 1/2 years to think about it. Luckily, because of other siblings around I told him I wouldn't be able to explain until bedtime. And you would have thought I would have used that time to think about it, but I didn't really. The second I stepped in the door the question came at me again.

I took a deep breath and started to explain.

"Before daddy and I got married, we weren't listening to what Jesus wanted us to do. We made some bad choices and we had sex before we got married. I was pregnant with you when I got married to your dad. Daddy and I knew we wanted to get married before we found out we were pregnant and we were going to get married anyway because we love each other very much. Mommy and daddy made a bad choice, but God used it for good. Do you know how? He used you to save my life. He used you to bring me back to Him. And that's one of the reasons why I love Jesus so much, because He uses our bad choices to bring us to Him. And I love you, and Daddy, and Jesus, so much."

With tears in my eyes I looked at this boy, this little boy who did save my life. He changed me from a selfish, young girl set on being uncontrolled...to a mom who would do anything for her family. And the best thing for my family was to go to church. And by going to church I fell back in love with Jesus and in love with His plan for my life. And by watching my husband be an amazing dad, he made me fall even more in love with him, which led to more happiness and more babies.

And as uncomortable as this could have been, it wasnt. Because this time, God gave me the words to say (Thanks God, because I could have really screwed this up). I wanted our son to know that we weren't perfect before we had him and we aren't perfect now. No one is perfect except for Jesus. I wanted him to know that people make mistakes, and Jesus redeems our mistakes and uses them for good. Because that lesson will teach him more then him thinking he has perfect parents.

When I think back to that day of being 18, unmarried, and pregnant, I could have never in a million years imagined I would have this beautiful life with so much grace, peace and love. God is so good to me, even though I never ever deserve it. Thank you God.

 

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"Will You Marry Me?"

Oooooohhhhh my. Just let me breathe for a second. What a day. I don't know what it is about holidays that through my family off so badly. Maybe it is my expectations that I want the day to perfectly or the increased consumption of sugar or the added activities, but my kids were spun out today. Which made me completely irritable and not always nice (unfortunately.) Between breaking up argue nets between the kids, having someone arguing with me about every. homeschool. assignment. and a sassy 3 year old screaming NOOOO in my face whenever she is asked to do something. Or not do something, I was so unhappy by the time Jimmy got home. Happy Valentine's Day Babe :( Thankfully, I have a wonderful husband who put it all in perspective for me without making me feel like a failure. He reminded me that no one has parenting figured out and we have to ask God everyday for the answers for the situations of that particular day. After a little cry, we came up its a game plan for the rest of the night and salvaged the day.
At the very end of the day, while doing homework with Tucker before his class tomorrow God gave me the sweetest little Valentine's Day gift. Tucker looked at me, through the frustration on my face, the tiredness in my eyes, and said, "Mommy, I want to marry you." This is the first time he has ever said this. Even with the arguing, the frustration, the rough day, he still wanted to marry me. And I was reminded of God's love for us in the love of a child. He loves us when we throw tantrums, when we are frustrated with His plan, when we are tired and irritable. He loves us no matter what. And there is nothing we can do to make Him love us more, or love us less. And we are His bride, His beautiful church that He can't wait to see coming back to Him. A love we don't deserve, just like the love of my son that I really didn't deserve today. God, you used Tucker to save my Valentine's Day, thank you, thank you so much.


Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. (Ephesians 5:25-27 ESV)