2011 In Review

2011 In Review...
5 year anniversary (1/22)
Pulled Tucker out of preschool to homeschool him (2/3)
Found out I was pregnant (2/7)
Turned 24 (3/15)
Quit my job (3/27)
Jimmy turned 28 (5/25)
Tucker turned 5 (7/12)
Erin & Taylor got married (7/15)
Riley Family Reunion (7/10-7/16)
Ava turned 2 (8/25)
Started homeschooling for kindergarten (8/29)
Laughlin trip (9/2-9/5)
Las Vegas trip (9/8-9/11)
Gave birth to Sadie Mae @ 9:57pm (10/8)
Crazy whirlwind of kids, schooling, church, holidays, and fun ever since.

As you can see, we have had a life changing year. I knew this year would be different, I just had no idea how different. Homeschooling has changed our daily routine. Adding another member to our tribe has completely changed the way our family operates. We don't leave the house as much anymore. I have to *really* want something to take all the kids to Target. Some days I don't feel like I can do it. But then I remember God made me and only me to be these kids mom. And, he told me to homeschool my son this year. So I know he will show me the way. Everyday gets a little closer to my new normal.
As we go into 2012 I again anticipate change. The theme for 2012 in the Balderas home is "Have An Extraordinary Life." More to come on that in the new year. What do you want 2012 to be? It's up to you, ask God to help you change your life to what He wants it to be. God bless :-)

Washed in the Christmas Spirit

Christmas time is here (as I type this the Charlie Brown christmas song is playing in my head.) Another year has flown by and it is that time again. I usually set up my Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving, listen to Mariah Carey Christmas a million times, and put myself in the Christmas spirit. This year has been different. We don't have a tree yet. Not a single Christmas decoration is up. And I have only been to the mall once, for the first and last time this season. I don't watch the news, read the paper, get magazines, etc. so I am not hearing stories of people pepper spraying each other for Xbox's or even a positive story of generosity. I kind of appreciate my little cocoon. It allows me to decide what I want Christmas to be for my family and not have the worlds view of Christmas forced on me. To me Christmas is not about Santa, its about Jesus. It can be about gifts, about getting the perfect gift for my loved ones, the gift that will make them smile. Not about what I am getting. Its about traditions that my grandma passed down to my mom to me and now to my children. Its about helping those who are in need and showing them that Christmas is about Jesus coming into this world to be a light. This Christmas feels different. Yes, somethings are the same, like the years old traditions. But the arrival of a new little blessing to our family has tipped the balance, and I have to examine what I do and why I do it. I am not just going along with all the craziness of Christmas because I can't, I don't have the time or the energy. I think what I am trying to say is I usually feel swept up in the Christmas madness and this year I am washed in the Christmas spirit. I am preparing to celebrate the birthday of my loving Savior and BFF while also trying to impart to my children what this season really is.
I am not sure if what is in my head is coming out in my typing, but I hope it somewhat makes sense. I am a little brain dead from having a newborn and two chatterboxes with me 24 hours a day :-) Think about what is truly important this season, and forget everything else. Make it a time to celebrate the Lord, not going crazy with the madness. Happy Birthday Jesus <3

Three

I am coming out of the fog that is created upon the entrance of a new life into the world. This fog had the ability to be completely blissful or scary and confusing. I'm sad to say this fog has been both, bittersweet. The joy of a new life mixed with the sadness that I will never be able to spend as much time alone with this baby as I did with the first. Guilt over not being able to provide enough time and attention for each child, so it feels like no one wins. Frustration that I can't get everything done that I need to get done. Add hormones and screaming children to this and you get a mental breakdown (or two). Still, with all these things, with the underlying happiness that a new baby brings. It is hard for me to admit this, because I like to feel like I can do anything. I like to think I always have everything under control and nothing is hard for me. But this has been hard. And God needed me to go through this so I can refocus and rely on Him. He lent me these three babies to raise, so I know through Him I have every strength and ability I need to do it. He put in my heart the desire to homeschool my child, so I know He will show me how to fit it in to this new life with three little people. I am ashamed to say I doubted His plan in the first few weeks of homeschooling after the baby, I was ready to give up and drive Tucker to a normal school. But He reassured me in many ways. And I am so thankful to my wonderful family and friends who supported and helped me in the last month.
Today is Sadie's one month birthday and I am starting to feel like life is getting back to normal. School is back on track, cleaning is back on track, and my mind is somewhat back on track. That is the hardeest part, focusing and changing my thinking. As busy as I am, I have to make reading the Bible and praying my first priority. This scripture fits my struggle perfectly, John 6:63 NLT, "The Spirit alone gives eternal life. Human effort accomplishes nothing. And the very words I have spoken to you are spirit and life." Human effort accomplishes nothing. I have to rely on the Lord. That will be my goal for now, have a blessed day.

One Year Anniversary Gift

A week or so ago I realized that the one year anniversary of the blog was coming up. I couldn't remember the exact date I started this blog. I looked it up and realized it was October 8, 2011. Something (or Someone) told me that would be the day I had baby #3. I felt like it was something God wanted me to keep to myself, but in the back of my mind I really felt like that would be the day. As I shared in a previous post, without the journey this blog has led me on I would not have been emotionally or mentally ready to be at this point in my life. So, I was pleasantly suprised/not suprised when I went in to labor at 5:23pm on October 8, 2011. After a quick 4.5 hour labor and 1 push, Sadie Mae arrived into the world. As I type this, I lay in the hospital with a sweet baby on my chest, enjoying this time that I get to be alone with her. I thank God for this blessing that comes wrapped in a tiny body with dark hair and huge feet. I love my life and I thank God for it every moment.

Things I Have Learned Through Homeschooling

As promised: here is a list of things I have learned and things I like (and dislike) about homeschooling.
*I am lying in bed still at 8 in the morning listen to my kids play and writing this, and we will still finish all of our work before Jimmy gets home.
*My kids get to spend so much time together, they are forming such a strong bond that, I hope, will last the rest of their lives.
*My kids get to spend so much time together, they start bugging the crap out of each other on purpose. (This is much more rare at least.)
*Ava is capable of playing on her own for multiple medium periods of time, allowing for Tucker to complete all of his work.
*Ava is capable of demolishing an entire house in 10 minutes.
*My kids can handle the tough mommy expectations I have for chores better then I thought they could.
*The joy of being with my babies 24 hours a day.
*The reality of being with my crazy monkey children 24 hours a day.
*In the begining it was a little overwhelming to be with them so much, for days on end. But now I am getting used to it and also give myself mommy breaks to Joanns, to hang out with my family, etc. when possible.
*If I am having a bad day and cannot handle teaching all the work that day, we can just finish it throughout the week.
*We can wake up at any time.
*My patience has been increasing.
*Being the one who gets the honor of teaching my son how to read is so exciting and fun. I had no idea I would love it so much and don't want to let anyone else teach him that.
*Observing Tucker learn something new or overcome something that has been difficult for him is one of the best feelings in the world.
*Seeing how much Ava is learning just from being around us.
*Being home so much that potty training will be easier. (nice side effect!)
*Having so much support from the Charter school is amazing!
*Having the flexibility to go to the park and playdates mid day.
*Last, but the most important one. Teaching my children about the Bible, watching Tuck memorize Scripture, teaching about Jesus, and watching their love for God grow is truly priceless and the #1 reason why I wanted to homeschool in the first place. We start every day in the Word, and I hope that is a habit that sticks with them throughout their lives.

I'm sure there are many other reasons and things I have learned that I forgot, but that is the list for now. I know homeschooling is not for everyone, but it works amazingly for our family. I am so thankful I listened to God's leading for us.

Patience Before Homeschooling

I have been thinking over the last month that I should post about the patience I am learning from homeschooling, and I keep getting side tracked with other topics I want to post about. Well, today is the day. And do you know why its the day? Because I have had my patience tested. All. Day. Long. The only reason I can blog right now if because I put both of the kids down for naps/quiet time. Some of you may know, Tucker has not taken naps for two years. Today he is. I have also stopped blogging two (and now three) times because Ava has climbed out of her crib and opened her door. I was about one more tantrum shy from having a tantrum myself when I read a post on my friends Facebook. She said, "When you don't wake up with the Word your whole day can make you feel like you are on the verge of tears! It's so easy for us to think we can handle all the little things...until we don't entrust them to the Lord, then they don't seem so little anymore." (I hope you don't mind me quoting you Kristin!) I love how God can reach me through friends, through Facebook, and through the Word. It has been on my mind lately that although I am doing a lot of Bible work with the kids for school, I am not doing that much for myself. This is definately a wake up call to get back to reading the Bible more and always starting my day with it. So, it is not the begining of my day, but it is the begining of my second half of the day, post-naps. I am going back to the Scriptures that started this blog, Galatians 5:22-26. "But the Spirit produces the fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. There is no law that says these things are wrong. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified their own sinful selves. They have given up their old selfish feelings and the evil things they wanted to do. We get our new life from the Spirit, so we should follow the Spirit. We must not be proud or make trouble with each other or be jealous of each other." It has almost been a year since I started this journey. It has flown by, but also seems like I have always been this way. The best things in life seem to be that way, like raising kids and not working. I can see parts of why God started this change in my life on October 8th, 2010. (If you weren't reading this blog back then, you might want to check out the first entry.) Because if I had been the same person now that I was then, I dont think I could handle homeschooling. With a two year old. And a new baby on the way. And I don't think I would be handling any of those things seperately very well either. God prepared me for what was ahead, and He is still changing me day by day. The patience I have learned from homeschooling couldn't have been acomplished unless the lessons from the fruit of the Spirit had been soaked up in my life. Patience is not a fun thing to learn, but when you get it (at least for the most part), you have a different outlook on life. You have a peace that passes understanding. And even though I have had a crazy day of disciplining and bickering, when I sit down with the Word and re-center myself, it all goes away. Maybe another day when I am in a more fun mood I will post a list of funny things I have learned and how I have learned patience through homeschooling...but for now I leave you with this, Colossians 1:11-12 "God will strengthen you with his own great power so that you will not give up when troubles come, but you will be patient. And you will joyfully give thanks to the Father who has made you." Thank You Father for strengthening me through Your Word. God is good, have a blessed day!

Dont Settle for Good, Make Your Life Great

I love my church. If you haven't caught my refrences to our church in past posts, I am completely inspired by the pastors, staff, pastors wives, and other awesome people God has put in my life from the Movement. Yesterday's sermon was from John 13:1-35, and was titled "The Keys to Greatness." The main point Pastor Jeremy made was "Don't settle for ordinary... choose to be great. Love like Jesus, live like Jesus, and lead like Jesus." I have had this theme running through my life for the last year or so. The theme of our Life Group is "Just do it," meaning don't think about changing, just do it. Don't be afraid to be bold, just do it. Don't make excuses, just do it. This has lead to big changes in my life. But back to the point. As the Pastor preached I was thinking about ways that I have been ordinary, when instead I could be extraordinary. My life is currently completely about being a mom, wife, and teacher. At the moment I heard that, I didn't feel like I was doing any of those amazingly. I didn't feel like I was doing horribly either, I just felt like I was doing "fine." After three weeks of homeschooling the monotony has begun to wear on me. Somedays we don't leave the house and after a few days of this I think I am going to go insane. Also with being 9 months pregnant I will sometimes *(usually)* be lazy when I can be doing other more productive things. I am incredibly blessed to be with my children 24 hours a day, homeschool them, and put my whole life into them, but that doesn't mean that its easy. So when I heard Pastor Jeremy say that, it inspired me to go about my life with a new passion, a new drive, a new energy. If God put me on this Earth to be a supportive, loving wife and to raise children who truly love God and those around them, then I want to put my all into it. I don't want to look back and wish that I had used the time I had better. I want to look back, no matter what the outcome, and say I did the best job I possibly could.
With this Monday came a new Mommy. I realized I have been just trying to get through the day, trying to complete the school work assigned, and countdown to when Jimmy got home. Today, I marveled at teaching my son how to read, write, and do math. I enjoyed reading books to my baby girl. I was happy doing chores with them (as crazy as that sounds for those of you who know me well ;-). I cleaned the house, not because it is my "job," but because it makes my husband (and I) happy to have a clean home. I read the Bible with my kids. I took my son to his MMA class and spent time with my mom. And all of it was a joy, none of it felt forced or annoying. Sometimes as moms, taking care of everyone and everything can become a burden. But today, it was a blessing. And I pray for myself, and anyone else reading this, that it is always a joy and a blessing. My scripture for today is John 15:11 "I have told you these things so that you can have the same joy I have and so that your joy will be the fullest possible joy." I know that God put me on this planet to be a mother to my kids and a wife to my husband, and I want to do it extraordinarily. How do you want to live your life?

Perfectionism Passed Down

As week three of homeschooling rolls on, I have more realizations of who my children (and I) are and how we work. The lesson this week has been difficult for Tucker and I to learn. As Tucker and I are both firstborn children, we both have a natural tendancy towards perfectionism. It is a quality that can be super frustrating and limiting to me, and I have been trying for years not to be so hard on myself. All my life I have avoided doing things unless I could do them perfectly, often would not try new things, and would feel like a failure if I was not absolutely perfect at what I was doing. I wouldn't even play team sports for more than one season because the pressure I put on myself was so unbearable. This is the last quality I would have ever wanted to pass down to my children. But I did. Tucker has a very similar personality to my own, and I have discovered more in depth this week that he is very hard on himself. While attempting to read or draw, he has melted down screaming, "I can't do it! I want it to be perfect." And then he goes on to sob, "It has to be perfect. It has to be perfect." :-( It breaks my heart. I wonder what effect I had on him. Was it my perfectionism that he is taking on? Or the fact that as my firstborn I poured all my hopes and dreams into him, thinking everything he did was so wonderful, giving him the impression that everything he did was perfect, only for him to struggle with new experiences and learning in the future? The only bright side is that I can totally relate to him and I use the opportunity to teach him that Jesus is the only perfect person who has walked this earth, and that being perfect is impossible. I hold him while he calms down and let that thought sink in for me as well. We can only try our hardest, that's all that God asks of us. I am going to have Tucker memorize a verse today that will help him when he feels like he has to be perfect, Romans 3:10 "As it is written:"There is no one righteous, not even one." I also need to learn this for myself. Also, it does not say in Galatians, being perfect is one of the fruits of the Spirit. All you can do is your heartfelt best.
This is definately not finished, but I hope that what I have said to Tucker is sinking in so that he doesn't feel this way forever. And that I don't either.

Siblings

We are finishing up our second week of homeschooling. Over the last two weeks I have had a wide variety of emotions and realizations. The first day I was on cloud nine with how smoothly schooling went, how well behaved both kids were, and how it was so much easier than I anticipated. Skip to day three, I was about ready to drive Tucker to the nearest elementary school and drop him off. After much prayer, I realized that this is going to be a huge adjustment for everyone in our family. After playing all Summer, we all have to get used to a new schedule. I realized that my daughter is much better at playing by herself than I thought she was. And I realized that my son does very well listening to me as a teacher as long as I give him breaks after two subjects. I am now confident in our decision to homeschool and feel like we are moving along smoothly.
  My favorite realization this week is seeing how much closer we are and will continue to be as a family. I realized this by watching Tucker run right to Ava to play with her as soon as he was granted a break. I saw it when my kids hugged and kissed each other over and over again while saying "I love you! I love you!" And I see it in the way they treat each other, especially when they think I am not listening. Ava was cheering her brother on while he played Wii, she said, "Good job big boy!" And Tucker calmly taught Ava how to play Toy Story Yahtzee. Sure they have their tiffs, but they do amaze me with there genuine love for each other. And as great as it would have been had they been in school, I know it is going to be a million times better since they get to spend so much time together. Homeschooling isn't for everyone, but I believe this is what God wanted for us. And I can't wait to see where this journey takes us in the future. My Scripture for today is Psalm 32:8, "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you." This verse tells me that God is guiding me with his loving eye. He will show me the right path, I just have to obey. I also like the words "instruct and teach" and how they tie into homeschooling. I will post more on how homeschooling is refining me towards the fruit of the Spirit another time, I just had to share what a joy it is to watch your children truly love each other <3 Have a blessed and joyful day :-)

Let Us Not Become Weary

I sit here listening to my son scream his lungs out. He was given the task of picking up his playroom. That was 2 hours ago. It should have taken 5 minutes. This is where I would like to scream. This is the hard part of parenting. I know God wants me to teach my children how to be independent, responsible, indivduals. It would be a lot easier for me to give in and help him or do it myself. But then Tucker would lose the life lesson that when he is given a task he has to complete it. Another aspect of this is a power struggle. Who is going to give in first? Unfortunately, Tucker and I both have the same personality which is incredibly stubborn and we both think we are always right. So you can see this is probably not going to resolve itself very soon. All I can do is pray over my son that he will calm down and stand my ground. I found a verse earlier this week that has been the only thing getting me through this difficult week of disciplining. Galatians 6:9, "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." When I get to the end of the 18 years I have to teach this little person how to become a God fearing man, I want to look back with as few regrets as possible. I want to feel like I did everything in my power to show him what he needs to know. So that is my motivation. If anyone else is having a similar day, I will be praying for you. It will get better, God promises us this.

Revelations

Every morning I wake up and pray that the day will go smoothly, my childrens attitudes will be pleasant and I will be patient. Somedays go better then others. Every night I go over what went wrong, what I could have done differently, and pray to do better the next day. From so many thoughts and prayers come some revelations. Please bear with me, I hope they make as much sense written as they do in my head :-)
When my children are being disobedient, I have many options on what I can do or say. I can yell, I can ignore, I can become annoyed, or I can correct them calmly. No matter what response I choose I am using words and/or body language to respond. My first instinct is to yell. My more thought out response is to correct calmly. But either way, I am using words. So if I am using words either way, using the same energy, using the same breaths, the same thought process and brain response to use my mouth, why would I choose anything other than a calm response? Sometimes the simplest things almost seem to simple, but not always easy.
There are two important reasons why this makes the most sense. First, when you respond to your child calmly you are setting the tone for the conversation. You are more likely to get your point across and get the desired response if you are calm, therefore making your child calm (well, at least hopefully.) Secondly, and more importantly, you are communicating to your child that they are important to you, that you respect them, and that they are loved. Thirdly (is that a word?), and most important of all, you are showing your child how a loving parent communicates, modeling the love of our Heavenly Father. We are the most important and sometimes the only representation of Christ to our children and we want them to know what a loving, patient, caring Father God is.
So, for me when I can think things out logically it helps me to make the right choice. Of course patience plays a huge role in choosing the right response. So one of my verses for the day is a repeat from a previous post, but is worth repeating. Proverbs 15:1 "A gentle answer will calm a person’s anger,but an unkind answer will cause more anger." And a new one, also from Proverbs. Proverbs 25:15 "With patience you can convince a ruler,and a gentle word can get through to the hard-headed." I hope this post makes sense to someone else besides me, and I hope that seeing the thoughts logically helped someone else, also besides me. Have a blessed day :-)

Change

It is still early, but after my somewhat depressing post last night I would like to share that today is going well so far. Tucker woke up with an almost unsettlingly cheerful attitude and has not had any fits so far today. I know this is completely thanks to my heartfelt cries to God last night to fix a situation I could not. He is the only One that can get inside that little boys heart and mind. I am staying fed by the Word to keep my patience levels up. I am drawn to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. There is a technique some use to make scripture more personal. Insert your name in the verse, in this case where "love" is. So to me, this scripture says, "Caitlyn is patient and kind. Caitlyn is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Caitlyn does not demand her own way (oh she doesn't, does she?). Caitlyn is not irritable (oops), and she keeps no record of being wronged. Caitlyn does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever truth wins out. Caitlyn never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." As I read this, I realize that some of this is currently not true. Caitlyn does get irritable (quite often) and Caitlyn demands her own way (very frequently.) But the more I read it and put myself in it, the more I realize I need to change. So that's what I am working on today. I am also praising God for the changed attitude in my son, that only He could bring about. And I pray that it keeps :-)

Trust Me. Rely on Me. Pray for him.

What a trying day...I don't even know where to start, I am beyond exhausted.

No one told me that when a child turns 5 he throws raging tantrums. Or maybe its just my child. It has been about 2 weeks now, and I keep thinking it will stop, but its not. I am trying to be as consistent as possible, following through with all consequences, doing everything I can think of. Nothing is working. As I sit here and think about the days events, I can't see anything I could have done differently. It is so frustrating. Usually I can find something I should have done differently, but not today. If I could find something I did wrong, I could fix it tomorrow. But I have nothing to fix. Just as I am starting to feel hopeless, God whispers in my ear, "Trust Me. Rely on Me. Pray for him." The comfort that comes from relying on the Lord is uncomparable to anything else. Tears fill my eyes when I read the verse, Psalm 94:19 "When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer." At this moment, all I have to cling to is hope that God can show me what to do tomorrow and that He will work on Tucker's heart as well. He will not leave me alone to figure it out, He will guide me through, He will hold my hand. Sorry I am not very inspirational tonight, I can barely type this. But I know I have to, because this is how the Lord speaks to me. He helps me work out the problem through words and shows me the solutions. And an added benefit is that maybe someone else had the same day that I did and they need to hear what God has to say. "Trust Me. Rely on Me. Pray for him (your child.)" Tomorrow is another day...

Be Careful What You Pray For...

I have heard the phrase, "don't pray for patience, because you may not like the way God teaches it to you." I am feeling that way about gentleness. Yesterday at church I asked God to help me let go of my need to control my family (once again) and to be a more gentle mother. Yesterday went well. I felt very gentle and the freedom that comes from not being a nagging wife and mother. Today...today is a different story. I think it may be because yesterday went so well, I was kind of expecting the same for today. Well, today is not yesterday. It never is. Today started with me losing my temper, yelling, spanking, and in general just being a horrible mom. You may have noticed I did not say what Tucker did to insight these hideous behaviors. Its because it shouldn't matter what he does, I am still expected to exhibit the fruits of the Spirit. How can I expect any kind of right behavior from my kids if I myself cannot behave properly? I can't. At one point I had to be by myself for quite awhile to calm down and (eventually) ask for repentance. After, I held Tucker explained that mommies can get angry too and it is not right for me to behave this way. I then asked him to forgive me. This is pretty much the only thing I have done right today. But, I have the rest of today, and tomorrow, and as many more days as God will give me to become the mother that He wants me to be. So the Scripture I am going to focus on today is Proverbs 15:1, "A gentle word deflects anger, but harsh words cause conflict." The behavior that was started by Tucker could have been deflected with my gentle words, but instead I increased the conflict with harsh words. So I have to use all of my God given strength to control my emotions and use gentle words. Another thing that has been on my heart since yesterday is something Pastor Jeremy said. "God's kindness is what leads us to repentence, not his anger." My anger is not going to change my childrens behavior, my kindness will. So I am going to work on these two focuses right now. What is your focus today?

Honor

As some of my Facebook friends might have seen several weeks ago, I was in search of the book "Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes in You and Your Kids!" A book by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller. No one had it, so I waited for awhile, and then after a particularly difficult day of whining and crying (from both Tucker and me), I broke down and ordered it off Amazon. My only regret is that I didn't get this sooner (like 5 years ago when Tucker was soon to be born.) This book is all about a family based on honor. Honor is refrenced thoroughly in the Bible and this book has many Scriptures throughout. Honor is defined as treating people as special, doing more than what's expected, and having a good attitude. It is not possible to whine and honor at the same time. It is also not possible to yell at your children and honor them at the same time. Your children will never learn honor if you are not honoring to them or your spouse. That was the key to me understanding the problems that we have been experiencing with Tucker's behavior lately. I am usually frustrated with Tucker's behavior and am short with him when it comes to correction. When I do that it does not help him to calm down and listen, it sends this particular child into a fury, and it is also not showing him honor. If I honor my child by showing him the time and calm attitude I have to hear him out and then answer him, he has the ability to have an honoring response. This does not give him an excuse to not supply first time obedience, it shows him how people are supposed to respond to each other, with grace and patience.
We have been talking a lot about honor since I started reading the book, and we have had several family discussions around the dinner table about how to honor each other. When Tucker starts whining or arguing, I ask him if his behavior is honoring me or not. Sometimes he will say he is not honoring me and he will stop arguing. Then we will discuss a better way to talk about the issue. Sometimes he says/yells, "I don't want to talk about honoring anymore," and continues in his behavior. It is definately a work in progress, but I can already see fruit. I know that the work I put into bringing this family up in honor will be worth it. It is a lot of work, but it would be either way, right?
I highly recommend this book to any person who believes that the Bible has an answer for everything that life throws at you. But be prepared...this is not a quick fix answer for your child. It is a long term family change that challenges both child and parent. But its worth it :-)

Undisciplined Parent=Out of Control Child

I am seriously sucking at following the fruits of the Spirit today. As calm as I am trying to be, it is just not happening. Tucker has been very defiant lately, the talking back is what kills me. Whether its whining, arguing, or just straight disobedience, it drives me insane. This morning was just the last straw. Instead of correcting him in love and gentleness I corrected him in anger and loss of control. In addition to this being the complete wrong way to Biblically discipline a child, this particular child is very sensitive and starts screaming when I yell at him, which I did today. That just makes me more angry and the simple correcting process has spiraled out of control. I finally had to stop it and step out to cool off.
As easy as it is to blame Tucker for what happened, I am the mother and I am the one who needs to have self control, no matter what he does. I have to set up my day to prepare my heart for whatever is thrown at me and not react in anger. I (of course) did not start my day in the Word, nor did I ask the Lord to give me love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, or self control towards my children or anyone else I come in contact with today. And then it just seems silly to me, how can I expect my day to go if I don't prepare myself? Is it any suprise my child is out of control when I myself am being undisciplined? Of course not. Just another lesson brought to you by the fruits of the Spirit ;-) Now I am going to meditate and pray on incorporating all of the fruits into my parenting for the rest of this day. Its never too late to save the day from ruin.

"Is this what I want to be doing when Christ comes back?"

I just finished Francis Chan's "Crazy Love" about 5 minutes ago. The last section of the book shares the same title as my blog entry today: "Is this what I want to be doing when Christ comes back?" This book has inspired me like no other book (other than the Bible, of course ;-). Francis' honesty and frank style has the ability to move you past the edge of comfort. But this is what we were called for. Through reading this book I was inspired to follow a calling to stay home with my children. I have been looking at my life in a different light. The last section of this book he says, "...how will you answer the King when He says, 'What did you do with what I gave you?'" This is not the first time I have heard this, but it hit me harder this time. That leads me to the question at the begining of this post, what do I want to be doing when Jesus comes back? I would be happy if Jesus came back while I was blogging :-) Because I write for His glory and for my growth in Him. I definately do not want Him to come back when I am yelling at my kids, or nagging my husband, or sitting on my butt when I could be doing something important. But the reality is He could come back at anytime, and I should be living like that. This is the mindset I need to be in constantly. Earlier in the book, Francis asks what is the one sentence you will be remembered by when your gone? Our Pastor has said this several times and it has always caught my attention. I wrote down what I wanted my sentence to be the first time our Pastor asked. What I wrote was, "She trusted the Lord with her whole life, and because of this her family and friends believed." After hearing the question again, I added another sentence for the season of my life I am in now. "She taught her children to love God, love His people, and take care of his creation." He goes on to say, what are you doing to make this your life? That was the moment that I realized I needed to stay home with my babies. For me to fulfill my life sentences this is what I needed to do. And that is what I want to being doing if Jesus comes back. Living the life He made me for. He closes out the book with this command. "Now close this book. Get on your knees before our holy, loving God. And then live the life with your friends, your family, parents, spouse, children, neighbors, enemies, and strangers that He has empowered you through the Holy Spirit to live. May you be able to say at the end of your life, along with Paul, 'I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that Day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing.'-2 Timothy 4:7-8." So this is what I need to do!
What is your life sentence? And what are you doing to live it out? No more excuses, be who God made you to be!

When It Rains...

It seems quite appropriate that it rained yesterday and today, because life has been pouring down on me. After the last two days, I feel like getting my car and driving away and not coming back. Without going into too much detail, most parts of my life are in difficult phases. My 4 year old (sorry, 4 and 3/4) is going through an attitude phase where he has no respect for his father or me. He rages and throws fits when he feels like it. And no amount of discipline is changing it. My almost 2 year old has a new angry face and walks around saying, "I no like that" about most things. Problems with close family members are overwhelming us and we can't agree on what to do about them. On top of all this I have some ferocious hormones going on and I cry about the smallest things. After all of this reaching its maximum point this afternoon, my first desire is to drive away. But I know in my heart that is not what I really want. I just want a reprieve from this pressure. And when I turn to the Bible and prayer, I do get that reprieve. It is not easy to read the Bible when my children are screaming and I can't even hear myself think. But I pray. And I listen to worship music. And I do what I can. Then I read the Bible when there is peace, and in the morning, and at night. It is the only thing I can do. Because shutting close family out of my life is not an option. And closing my kids in their rooms all day is not an option (although I wish it was sometimes ;-). And driving away from it all isn't an option.

God is putting a song in my head and it is so fitting (of course!) "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns. I have included the lyrics below. I know that God uses all things for the good of those who love Him, and the trials we go through bring us closer to him. I am going to listen to this song and thank God for all He does.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Joy Like A Child

With my new life of being a stay at home mom has come a complete peace that often passes understanding. It is different having them all day-every day, but I love it! I feel like my entire life has more order and I am now able to accomplish the things I wasn't able to before. Rather than feeling rushed from place to place, trying to complete chores, errands, etc., now I feel like we have time to do everything. And because we are not rushed, I have time to enjoy the little things that I missed before.
Today the Lord gave me a revelation while watching my children. Ava and Tucker were dancing to worship music and the dancing turned to spinning. They spun around the room in circles, giggling and falling down. They had no other thought in the world other than spinning and enjoying themselves. Their joy was evident on their faces and the sound of their laughter. As I watched them, God pointed out to me their childlike joy. They have no worries, they are not thinking of bills that have to be paid, they are focusing on what brings them joy. I need to focus on what brings me joy. And what is that? Being the best wife and mother that God designed me to be. I am going to make it my goal for the week to focus on the joy I get from following the Lord's calling in my life and work on being an even better wife and mother. My inspiration for this week comes from Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things." Although this verse does not mention joy, it does mention things that bring joy. And that is what I plan on focusing on this week. I hope you are called to do the same :-) Have a blessed day!

SAHM

For those of you without babies, or that are not involved in online message boards, SAHM stands for Stay At Home Mom. And that is now what I am. After 2+ years of being a "boob lady" (Lactation Consultant) at a local hospital, I have decided to stay home with my babies. God has used many situations and circumstances to get me to see that this is the right choice for my family. I am very happy, excited, peaceful, and interested to see what this season of my life brings. I have never been a full time working mom or a full time stay at home mom. I have been blessed with this middle ground of working just enough to make the extra money we need and still spend lots of time with my kids. I have also been blessed with family and friends that have watched my kids (usually for free) so I could feel comfortable leaving them. This being said, I just kind of thought I would always continue working since it was such a perfect arrangement. But deep in my heart, God put the desire to be with them always. It started off as a dream, and then a wish, and ended in a necessity. God prepared my heart to stop working, while at the same time showed me how much my kids needed me. He took away almost all of my trusted caretakers, and made it impossible for me to deny that this was the right choice. I can now live out one of my favorite verses, "You shall teach them to your children, talking of them when you are sitting in your house, and when you are walking by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise." Deuteronomy 11:19 ESV. On the other hand, as much as I know this is the right thing, it will still be a transition. I have always scheduled my life around what days I had to work, trying to cram everything else into the days I had off. I have never been able to make a weekly schedule for school work, cleaning, etc. because I was always working random days. I know that it will be a slower pace then I am used to, but there is nothing wrong with that. I will also be with my children 24 hours a day without the once or twice weekly break of going to work and being alone. But that is what comes with being a SAHM. I am ready to see what this season brings. I know God takes care of those who are faithful and I know this is what He wants. It will be a test on the fruits of the Spirit, (especially patience and self-control :-) but I am ready to take that on. Everything is for His glory, I'm ready. As a nice side effect, I look forward to having more time to blog as well :-) So, hopefully you will be reading this again sooner rather than later.

The reason God put me on this earth <3

Time Flies By...

I have no concept of time. I feel like I blogged not that long ago, but in reality it has been 27 days. This is why the library and I are not friends. They don't care that I thought it had been 2 week when in reality it had been 6 months. I don't know exactly where all my time is going, but it is escaping me. There are some big life changes going down in the Balderas home. Beginning the homeschooling process has been awesome. I love Tucker being home with Ava and I every day. His behavior has significantly improved and I love teaching him how to read, write, study the Bible, and be a responsible human being. Ava is talking so much and she loves Tucker more than anyone in the world. The increased time they have together is really strengthening their bond and it is beautiful to see. Another aspect of homeschooling (and this is probably where all my time goes.) is that I am never alone, or even with just one child. It is increasingly hard to get anything done including cleaning, laundry, and, you guessed it, blogging. It is a price I am willing to pay to oversee my child's education, but it does take a toll. Oh yeah, and there is that baby I am making. That doesn't really take up any time, just energy. So anytime I do get alone, I usually want to sleep or sit on the couch in a daze. So, that is kind of where I am out right now. But most importantly, I want to share a quick story with you.
I am so blessed to be on the leadership team of the Moms of the Movement group. It is my favorite place to be and I am glad I get to be with these women every week. (For those of you who are wondering what exactly this group is...it is a group primarily for preschool aged children that meet for fellowship and are enlightened by a speaker generally sharing about parenting or marriage. I strongly recommend anyone to find one in their area!) So, this week our Children and Family Pastor Pat Lynch spoke on parenting. He was speaking on Ephesians 6:1-4-"Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother"-which is the first commandment with a promise-"that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on earth. Fathers, do not exasperate your children; bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." The point the struck me the most was this, "Disciplined parenting begins with Disciplined Parents." This is so true. I do not want to be the parent that says, "Do as I say, not as I do." I cannot ask my children to be disciplined if I am not. On top of this, Pat stated that we need to be parents that exhibit the fruit of the Spirit. If my attention wasn't already completely focused on Pat, it was now (which it was by the way :-). This reminded my that I need to get back to blogging. I love how God ties in the scripture to every part of my life. I am determined to not be a hypocrite, I will be a disciplined parent. I want my love for God to be the reason they believe, not just because I told them to. So, here I go to exhibit the fruits of the Spirit to my babies. Will you join me?

Happy Birthday to Me :-)

Wow! It has been almost a month since I last blogged. I do most of my blogging at night, and nights are not the best time for me (as decided by the baby inhabiting my body.) Today, on my 24th birthday, I want to reflect on my life and the road that the Lord has led me down.
 First, a little history. I graduated from high school when I was 16. I started community college when I was 16, and this is when and where I met Jimmy. I got pregnant and married (in that order) when I was 18. I gave birth to my firstborn child, my son Tucker Richie Balderas on July 12, 2006, when I was 19 years old. This more than anything changed my life forever. From this point on, I knew that God put me on this planet to be a mom to my child (and subsequent children.) I had Tucker completely naturally, with no drugs. This gave me the confidence to know that I could do anything (of course with God's help.)  On the weekend of my 20th birthday I was baptized for the first time after a desire to renew my faith as an example for my son. Within months we found the Movement and made it our home. When I was 21 I became a Lactation Consultant, desiring to help new moms and babies, which was inspired by my birth story. On August 25th, 2009, when I was 22, I became a mother for the second time, with the blessing of Ava Selina Balderas, my first daughter. I found out I was expecting my third child when I was 23. And I started this blog when I was 23, subsequently beginning a whole new journey to becoming the woman God wants me to be.
 And now I am 24. I am still working on who God wants me to be. I am sure it will be a life long journey, and I look forward to learning more every single year. My prayer for this year is that I am truly open to whatever God asks of me, that I trust Him in every calling He has for me, and that I have no fear of what others think of what I am doing. I don't think that's too much to ask, is it? :-) I know that God hears the desires of my heart and responds to them. My verse for the next year is Philippians 4:13-"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." With even the callings I already know God has in store for the next year, I know I will only be able to do it through Christ's strength. I know that the next year includes the first year of homeschooling, a new baby to add to the brood, and growing in the Lord. I know I could never do this on my own, which gives  God all the glory. I would appreciate your prayers too, and as always, please let me know if there is anything I can pray for you for. Thanks for being on this journey with me, I hope it has inspired a new journey of your own. Here's to 24!

True Joy!

Joy can be a variable emotion depending on many factors. Do you only feel joy when everything goes according to your plans? When things are going your way? Or do you find joy in the surprises God sends along the way? Even if it's not what you had planned on? God gave me a first hand experience with this last week. God decided to send us a little surprise that was not in my immediate plans. God put a tiny blessing in my body, a baby :-) Now, because I am so good at running my mouth and talking about my plans instead of God's plans ;-), you might have heard me say that we were planning on trying for #3 in July after my sisters wedding. Well, God decided that he wanted to teach me that I can't plan anything, that He is the master of my future and I can only hope. And I am honestly okay with this. I will now be pregnant in my sister wedding, but that's okay with me (and okay with her!) I will be pregnant all Summer long (for the third time), but I can deal with it. Ava and this baby will only be just over 2 years apart, and I prefer my children to be 3 years apart. But you know what? God knows my children, my situation, and ME better than anyone on this planet, including myself. I know He takes the desires of my heart and makes them better than I could even imagine. I think God has finally changed this control freak into His daughter who trusts Him whole heartedly. Who would have ever thought!
 My verse for today is Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Also, Philippians 4:4 "Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again--rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." I am just going to rest in that verse for awhile, what peace! God bless :-)

Slow to Anger...Oh That's What I am Supposed to Be Doing.

Some days...Today has been one of those days. From the moment Tucker woke up this morning, it has been nonstop power struggles and disciplining. As calm as I was through the majority of the disciplining, I lost it towards the end. Love is slow to anger, and today, I was not. 1 Corinthians 13:5b states, "Love...is not easily angered." Sometimes I feel justified in being angry, after all I did take almost an hour of being screamed at and having to discipline the same child for the same thing three times. But that is completely wrong. I think of all the things I have done that have angered the Lord. And does He hold that over my head? Absolutely not! He forgives me for all my wrong doings, as long as I repent. My goal is to try to demonstrate that same love and compassion for my children. Christ is the only perfect one, we all make mistakes. Yet, Christ is the one who died for our sins, WHILE we were still sinners! He loved us despite our faults, and I need to do the same with my kids. It is my job to lead my children with a good example, asking for forgiveness when I become angry. Being a parent isn't always easy, and neither is being a kid. We both need grace and mercy. I am trying to teach them and asking the Lord to teach me. My inspiration for today is not so much about forgiveness or anger, but about teaching. It's a reminder to keep my cool in all circumstances, because my kids are learning from me at all times. "You shall teach them to your children, talking of them when you are sitting in your house, and when you are walking by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise." Deuteronomy 11:19. I pray every day for better control of my emotions because He is the only one that can truly get them under control. I am trying to teach my children to do the same. Is this something you need to work on? If so, let me know and I will pray for you :-) Have a blessed day.

That is Not Lovely

Time flies by. I attempt to complete all my tasks on the list in my head. Clean the house. Feed the kids. Complete Life Group homework. Make time for hubby. The last thing on my list (sadly) is blogging. I would love to do it daily, as I first intended to, but it just doesn't happen. I continually think about doing it, it's just a matter of finding the time. Put God always shows me when I have waited too long and points me back. Yesterday I was very snappy, short tempered, and angry for no general reason (other than being tired, not a great excuse.) Then, last night I was reading the kids devotional when I had to stop and laugh out loud. The title of the days message was "Forget About It" and the verse was "Love is patient...it does not easily become angry. It does not keep track of other people's wrongs." 1 Corinthians 13:4-5. I love how God reprimands me in the most gentle, humorous way! I am trying to teach my kids to be patient, slow to anger and forgiving, after I yelled at them for tiny infractions of "Mom's Law." And I kept getting more and more angry because I was not forgiving them (or repenting) from what happened! I was "keeping track of other people's wrongs!" I was completely humbled by the Lord's gentle reminder that I cannot teach what I am not willing to do myself. Actions speak louder then words, and yelling speaks louder than a devotional. I repented to the Lord and vowed to make tomorrow a better day. Patience and being slow to anger go hand in hand. Why do I usually get angry? Because someone is not obeying me immediately. I am not saying children should not obey their parents the first time, I am saying my expectation of lightening quick obedience is not realistic. My speed of 100 miles an hour is generally not the speed of a 4 year old trying to put his shoes on or picking out his clothes. One definition of patience is even tempered, the capacity for calmly enduring a painful situation. I would say trying to get out the door on time for church while a 1 year old and 4 year old are trying to brush their teeth and pick out a toy for the car in their own sweet time is a painful situation. But whose fault is it that we didn't have enough time? Not theirs! It's mine for not getting everyone up early enough. So if I should be impatient with anyone, it should be myself.
I am working on setting up my life to avoid "triggers" for impatience and anger. These include giving myself enough time to not be rushing out the door. I am also trying to go at a slower speed that is more realistic for my childrens ages. I want to be a model of patience to my children, not a model of anger. My verse for motivation today is not necessarily directed towards mothers. It is for people spreading the Word of the Lord. But isn't that what motherhood is? "I charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by his appearing and his kingdom: preach the word; be ready in season and out of season, reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching." 1 Timothy 4:1-2. This verse is kind of out of left field, but it really spoke to me as a mom. "Be ready in season and out of season." Whether your ready to be patient or not, you have to be. "Reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching." Everything I teach my children, from how to obey, listen to wisdom, make the right choice, etc., I need to do so with biblical teaching and patience. My goal for this week is to be patient. I'm sure I will be tested. But with God, I can be who He made me to be. Will you be patient this week?

The Begining of Love

I think everyone has heard 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 at least once at a wedding or movie about a wedding. It starts, "Love is patient, love is kind..." I have heard it many times without going too much into thought over it. But recently God has really been drawing my eye to this passage. After several weeks of meditating (and procrastinating) on this scripture, God actually put it in our Life Group homework tonight. So, I shall procrastinate no longer! I want to go into a mini-study on 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 as it pertains at the fruit of the spirit. I believe that every term listed under love can be attributed to another fruit of the Spirit, in addition to love. It is easy to think we have the love fruit handled. Of course I love my husband, I definitely love me kids, I "love" my phone/tv/Facebook/(insert name of object-you-cant-live-without here). But what does love really mean. This is my goal, to define love in Biblical terms and to go in depth on each section until I can embody love.  So here we go...
"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."

Today, I have to start with "love is not irritable." I have been SOOO irritable today. I haven't felt that great and I have been tired. Jimmy has been working almost 60 hours a week, so that leaves me to pick up the slack and be the soul source of nourishment, entertainment, transportation, bookkeeping, scheduling, and not to mention discipline to my children. These are not excuses, just a glance at where my life is at the moment. So I was snappy all day. And it didn't end when my husband got home from his almost 12 hour day (don't boo me, I already feel bad enough as it is :-/ I was even getting irritated with my husband over Life Group homework. Talk about a grouch! That was when God threw me this scripture again, reminding me that I seriously need some help expressing love to my family. After reading it, I knew I need to write this blog. If we should not be irritable, what is the opposite of irritable? The thesaurus lists the antonym of irritable as easy going. Huh, easy going. I don't think I would ever describe myself as easy going. This is something I am going to work on over the next several days. Easy going sounds way more fun to be around than irritable! Another antonym, I would say, is joy. You cannot have joy and be irritated. If I am finding joy in my children wanting my attention, I, therefore, cannot be irritated by it. I am blessed to have people who love me so much that they want to be around me and show me there many talents (such as: jumping off the sofa, hitting a baseball, sharing with their sibling, etc.). There may come a day that my children don't ask me to watch them do things anymore if I always act irritated by it, in fact I know there would be. I AM joyful that my children care enough about me to show me things. If my husband desires me, I should be joyful. There are many men out there who do not find their wives desirable and go outside their marriage to satisfy their desires. I should NEVER be irritated that my husband finds me attractive. I am blessed to have someone who feels that way about me. I should never be irritated, period. There is no reason other than being ungrateful for the beautiful life I lead. I am humbled as I write this for the sour attitude I had today. Forgive me Lord, I will forever look at being irritable in a different light.
Please join my in discontinuing irritability from your life. Don't settle for excuses, do it today. Your outlook will be forever changed :-)

Five Years of Wedded...

On the eve of my five year anniversary, I would like to tell you the story of two young kids that fell in love and found Jesus. It's a little heavy on the details (and the cheesiness), so if you don't want to know, then don't read it! My reason for wanting to share this is to show that God can save any marriage, and to let you know that nobody's perfect. I (of course) have permission from my husband to share this story :-)
It starts at Palomar College in January of 2004. I was 16 years old and starting my second semester of college. On the first day of English 100 I spotted a handsome, quiet Mexican home boy (just kidding, he was more like a spoiled little Encinitas boy, lol.) After getting to know each other in small group discussions, I asked Jimmy if he would like to sit by me, and he declined. Not being one to back down, I asked him once more several weeks later and he accepted my invitation to sit together in the back row. Come to find out later, his mom told him not to get involved with underage girls (which was probably good advice!) The teacher had us exchange numbers to call each other for homework, so I already had his number. After Jimmy didn't show up for the last day of school, I called him to see if he wanted to hang out sometime. He came over that night, lol! From the moment we started talking and spending time together, we knew we wanted to be together forever. And if it was only that easy...after several weeks of dating I found out that the reason this handsome boy was so quiet most of the time is because he was stoned...most of the time. Having been in a previous relationship with some of the same issues, I offered him an ultimatum. Stop smoking weed or we're done. So he stopped smoking, for a little while. And then starting smoking again, but failed to let me in on that small little detail. I found out and was furious. I tried to break it off, but I loved him so much that I gave him second chance. Which turned into a third chance, and fourth chance, and probably more, I lost track. After about a year and eight months of dating, we were surprised with news that we would be having a child. This was finally enough for Jimmy to stop smoking weed for good. We were engaged (somewhat), at least we knew we wanted to get married in the summer of 2007. But this pressing news moved the wedding up to January 2006. We planned our wedding in two months, and it is actually quite a blur still to this day. Our wedding was beautiful, I wouldn't have changed a thing. I was still able to have the kind of wedding I wanted. So we started our lives as grown ups, thinking we new everything and could handle it all. We were sadly mistaken. After the wonderful birth of Tucker, taking time off from work, and everything that comes with having a baby, the bills were piling up and the tension was getting high. We were fighting over pretty much everything. On top of all that I had discovered shortly after getting married that Jimmy had an addiction to pornography. It was heartbreaking. I thought marriage was supposed to be happy, easy, and perfect. Instead I felt betrayed, unloved, and pissed. I tried everything to get him to stop, including having him sign a contract stating that if he watch porn again that Tucker and I would be leaving him. The problem was every time he would mess up, I would tell him exactly how to fix it. "Be on your best behavior, buy me something pretty, and then I will be mad for a month and then forgive you." (Seriously, I was so crazy and controlling.) You would think that would be enough to stop him, but the devil's hold was so strong. I did catch him again, and Tucker and I did leave. In my heart, I knew I would never leave him forever. But I made a contract and I had to stick to it. So I packed us up and moved to my moms house. Everyday Jimmy would come over after work and try to make things better. Having had me fix all of his problems for him, he didn't know how to fix it for himself. I told him to figure it out and come back tomorrow. He came back the next day with a list. On it he said, "Go to the Movement every Sunday. Join a Life Group. Attend marriage counseling if necessary. Not go on the computer anymore. Try my hardest to not do this again. Try to forgive me for what I've done." As mad as I wanted to be, I couldn't anymore. This was the turning point. This was the biggest moment in our walk with God. This was the beginning of a truly blessed life with the Lord and each other. We joined Pastor Marc's Life Group and learned what it meant to be in a church family. We have never missed a Sunday without reason of illness or vacation. We LOVE being involved in our church family. And it all started from a horrible moment in our lives. God can take the ugly and make it beautiful. He has been refining both of us (especially me) throughout the last 3+ years that we have been attending the Movement. God is so good, if you will just trust Him.
I love my husband more today than I ever could have imagined standing at the altar on my wedding day. He is the most handsome, loving, caring, hard working, husband and father I could have prayed for and I thank God for him every single day. I am blessed and honored to be Mrs. Balderas :-)
If you are in the same position and need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to contact me. I know exactly how you feel, and that God can bring you through this. I hope this touched someone out there. Peace and God bless :-)

Wallking on Sunshine

I am amped today! After almost two weeks of holding a baby with a double ear infection and six teeth coming in, I finally get to sit down and write. My awesome in-laws kept my kids last night so I could get a good nights sleep and go to work this morning. Instead of picking them up after work, they wanted to keep them a little longer. So I got to go grocery shopping-BY MY SELF!!! (For those of you who are moms, you know how sweet that is!) and now I get to write and then go for a walk. Most importantly, I have been spending time really focusing on the Lord today, despite all of the other things I had to get done. Without the constant chatter of the beautiful little voices of my babies, I can actually think. I can thank the Lord for the life I have and also for the breaks that I get. I can pray for our church, the pastors, the congregation, the classes. I can just be in awe of the beautiful world that God made. All of these things are bringing me such joy today! I feel like Someone turned my joy switch way up! And I struggled with how to write this without sounding like a crazy person, but maybe that's what I am, I person crazy filled with joy. And if I am, I wouldn't want to be any other way :-) My verse for meditation today is 1 Peter 1:8 "Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory." I love the phrase "with joy that is inexpressible." I guess that's what I am trying to say, I can't express how much joy I have. I just feel like dancing! Okay, that's enough of my craziness. I am so joy filled today, I hope that it spills over on you. I pray you find joy today, no matter your circumstance. Get out there and enjoy the beautiful world the Lord has made! God bless!

Control Yourself Woman!

Over the last week or so I have been evaluating where I am at with my journey. How have I grown, how have I changed, and what do I still need to change? I am no where near where I need to be, but I have come a long way. Something that caught my attention this week was how I have been responding to Tucker. In my last blog post I mentioned that one of my new years "resolutions" (more like general focus) was that I wanted to stop being so controlling of Tucker (and Jimmy). I have really put some effort into this over the last few days and I have seen quite an improvement, from him and myself. The key to this is self-control and patience, which if you have ever read this blog before, you know these are NOT my strong points. God really opened my eyes to what I have been doing and what I should be doing. When Tucker would do something that I didn't like, my automatic reaction would be to grab the thing out of his hand, cut him off while he was talking, or something else totally rude that I would never to do to an adult (I know, I am the best mom ever :-/ ). So now what I (try) to do is hear him out, calmly think about my response, and then respond in love. Is what he doing harmful to him, me, Ava, Talulah (the cat), or anyone else? Is what he doing against the Lord? Is it just irritating to me, therefore causing me to try to control him, but in actuality his actions are not bad in any way? Usually it was the last answer. What I realized is I am an easily irritated person by those closest to me and that is what I have been and continue to pray about. People are who God made them to be and I need to learn to love them where they're at. God loves me even though I sin, get irritated, and do many, many other things that He doesn't like. I am asking God to give me His eyes. I love the lyrics from the song "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath.
"Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your love for the brokenhearted
For those who are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the one's forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see."
Those words alone are eye opening! I want to see what you see Lord. You don't see a whinny child, you see one who needs love and attention and nurturing to become a disciple for You. You don't see a lazy husband, you see someone who works hard to provide and is tired at the end of the day. You see people who need love, they shouldn't be pushed to the side, they shouldn't be ignored, they shouldn't be yelled at. They should be loved and appreciated. I want my family to see me as a comforting, patient, loving wife and mama, not a harsh, quick to speak, yelling, crazy person. My scripture for meditation today is Ephesians 4:2 "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." Someone please tattoo that on my forehead because that is one I never want to forget. Peace, love and patience to you as you read this. May God bless you today :-)

New Years "Resolutions" Start the Monday After New Years, Right?

It's Monday, and boy does it feel like Monday. First Monday of the whole year. I thought, "Okay, now I will get back in the swing of things and start this year right!" Is that how today went? No. Of course not. Did I start my day off right with some Bible reading and prayer? No. I was woken up an hour earlier than usual by two cranky monkeys. Did I get Tucker to school on time? No. Did I cook dinner today? No. Did I clean my house? No. I didn't even do my new years blog post until January 3rd. Hmmm. This doesn't seem to be going well so far. So I have decided, Tuesday is the new Monday. Tomorrow will be the day I start the new year off right. Since I have already showed myself how not to do it, I can make a game plan on how to do it, but right this time. I don't really believe in resolutions, because something about them just completely makes me not want to do them. So instead I make more broad suggestions and see where they lead, knowing that God will shine a spotlight on the things I really need to change. My first area is Bible reading. As I have said before, I know I should do it, I feel better when I do it, I actually LOVE to do it! But it is still elusive to me. I need to make it more of a priority and try to figure out what is getting in my way of reading the Bible, and try to set up a time every day that works (suggestions would be appreciated :-) Starting tomorrow I WILL read my Bible. My second area of change is being more consistent with the kids devotional and other learning books. I have a 100 day devotional for kids we have been doing for well over a year now. And I just realized I got a new devotional that was supposed to start January 1st that I didn't start. Tucker has also been learning how to read with a 100 lesson book, that he should be almost done with, and he is on lesson 25. So needless to say, I am not doing well with anything that involves daily use. I need a more organized routine that allows time to do the things are important to us as a family. And the third area is (drum roll please...) being less controlling of little things. I know I surprised you with that one ;-) I need to stop trying to control every word out of Jimmy's mouth, every action of Tucker, and all the little things that are impossible to control. I need to let the people in my family be themselves and stop trying to change them. I need to trust God to change them, or trust Him to change me to not be annoyed by them :-) I have done a fairly good job in trusting Him with all the big things, but am having a hard time with the little things. I guess they just seem insignificant to me, but everything is significant to God, especially how I treat my family. So in honor of the new year, my verse for encouragement today is "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17NIV.
  So those are my things, what are your things? If you don't have anything to change, I would love to meet you, because you must be Jesus ;-) Really examine your life and your heart, see what the Lord shows you. Peace and Love in 2011.