Time Flies By

Time flies by. When I look at my son, who came into this world at a mere 8 lbs 11 oz and is now 52 inches tall, all I can think is, time has flown by. Thus my need to chronicle the special, quiet moments that God uses to warm my heart. Just like I did a few posts ago with Ava Selina, God put in on my heart today to record this moment in time with my little man.
I asked God to give me the chance to write about each one of my sweet children and He heard my prayer. Today He shone the spotlight on my big boy, my firstborn, my giant 6 year old, Tucker Richie. I could also call him my clone. He and I are so similar, in the way we think, the way we learn, and the way we run our sassy little mouths. Although God often uses him to test my patience, it makes me feel so close to him because we think the same thoughts. I know how he feels, even if a lot of the time the emotions are turned up just a little too much (for both of us.) God is showing me, that for him and I, we can use these heightened senses of feelings not for drama and disobedience, but for compassion, empathy, and a passion for Him.
With the kind of schooling that we chose, it requires lots of one on one time with him and I at home, but he also is able to get the school experience at a small school with a class full of kids who parents who also care deeply about the influence and education that their children receive. Once every 6 weeks we have a meeting with his teacher to review the work we have done at home and at school. After looking over his work, his teacher said something that truly blessed my heart. She said, "Tucker is the friend to have. If he says hi to a child, it makes their day. He is, in particular, very kind to a child that has a hard time being at school, he feels like he is always getting lost in the halls. So Tucker walks him to the office when the little boy has to take his medicine. He truly is a special little boy." My heart was so full. No amount of education, brains, or learning will ever be more important to me then how he treats the people that come across his path. God gave him a heart to love others, and His light shines through Tucker. He draws others in with the love God has given him. It's hard for me to not feel like I'm bragging, and maybe I am, but God keeps reminding me that this is how He sees Tucker, and it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks.
It's easy to get caught up in the not so fun stuff and forget about the amazing qualities God puts in our kids. Tucker gives me some back talk sometimes, but when I stand back and look at the big picture, he really is a sweet guy. He takes care of his sisters, he loves his dad, he enjoys reading the Bible, he loves to snuggle. He also has a desire for justice and helping those in need. He helps me feed the homeless and he wants to give every man or woman holding a sign on the corner whatever we have. Don't get me wrong, he can be quite the little tantrum thrower sometimes, but boy, isn't that over shadowed by the personality and traits that god has sown into him.
My little boy. I don't know why it's so much harder with boys. I love my children all the same, but I think in the back of my mind I think my girls will always stick around. He is going to grow up and marry the woman God created for Him. And as much as he loves me and spends time with me, he will have another woman to focus on, as it should be. And I know, from the way he loves me and loves his sisters, and what he sees in his dad, he is going to be the best husband my future daughter-in-law could ask for. Oh dear Lord, the tears. It's so far away, but I know from the women that have gone before me, that the days can seem like years, but the years are like seconds. God gives me these little glimpses into the man Tucker is going to become to give me the vision to press on towards that day and to also prepare my heart to let him go (as hard as that is to imagine right now.) Seriously, can't stop crying!
God keeps whispering to me, "I am going to use him to do things you can't even imagine." And I believe it, with all my heart and soul. God's promises are little seeds he plants, and I have the honor of watching them grow and bloom over the months and years. Right now he is 6 years, 8 months, and 1 week, but soon he will be 26, then 46, then 66. Time flies by...and I want to remember him exactly as he at this very moment.
Thank you Jesus for this moment, for this child, for this life. None of this would be if it weren't for Tucker. You used him to bring me back to you, and for that I am eternally grateful. Please don't ever let me forget that it is an honor to be his mother, and that I am really raising your son God, because he after all, belongs to you. I am so humbly thankful. Amen.

Never Arrive

Can I restart my day? What if I say pretty please with cherries on top? I want to so badly. I can't even pinpoint when exactly everything fell apart. We were getting ready for school, breakfast was done, (most of the) people were dressed, and then it started. The yelling, the disrespect, the ugly attitudes. And I wish I was only talking about the children.

Uuggghhh...Right when I feel like I am finally changing and putting to rest yelling and anger, it springs back up. Up until maybe 2 weeks ago, I was getting through days, even weeks at a time without yelling (which for me is a huge deal.) I literally thought, "I am changed!" Which might be we're my problem resurfaced. I knew God had changed my heart, but I was getting too comfortable. I had stopped crying out to Him as often to change me. I felt like I had "arrived" at being a good parent through God's guidance. But what I failed to realize is: you never arrive. Every day I need constant reliance on God to change my angry, selfish, prideful heart into a loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, gentle, faithful, self-controlled heart. I need daily, sometimes hourly or minute by minute repentance from a sincerely grateful heart. I need to know I am NOTHING without Him. I can change temporarily on my own, but the only way to change permanently is by Him changing me.  I want to be transformed. Romans 12:2 says it in such a lovely way.
"Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." NLT. 

I want it so badly. And the reason I want it so badly is not because I am there, it's because I see how far I am from there. That is why I can find thankfulness in this morning. Nothing just happens without a reason. God takes the ugly, tears it away, and shows you the beautiful. The beauty is: I need Him. And He is there for me, no matter how ugly I am. Words cannot express how grateful and full of humble joy I am to know this. Thank You, Lord.

Since I have messed up so many times, it has finally gotten through my thick head how to fix it. As soon as I dropped Tucker off at school, I raced home and tore open my Bible. I knew it had the answers. If only I had started their this morning, this probably wouldn't have happened. I read some of my favorite verses about how God wants us to behave, Colossians 3:10-17 and Ephesians 4:31-32. I came across a verse I know I have read before, but it had never spoken to my heart like this. Ephesians 4:26a, "And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” NLT. My anger is controlling me. It is causing me to talk to my children in a way I never otherwise would. It's make my heart hard towards them. It makes my actions not match up with my beliefs. It's in control. And if my anger is in control, then I am not having self control, which is one of my goals in embodying the fruits of the Spirit. So now that I see it for what it is, I can ask God to change it. And He never tires of hearing our pleas. Thank God for that.

Tomorrow is another day. Even the next minute after a mistake is fresh. Just let it go and start making your actions match your beliefs. God bless :)