Never Arrive

Can I restart my day? What if I say pretty please with cherries on top? I want to so badly. I can't even pinpoint when exactly everything fell apart. We were getting ready for school, breakfast was done, (most of the) people were dressed, and then it started. The yelling, the disrespect, the ugly attitudes. And I wish I was only talking about the children.

Uuggghhh...Right when I feel like I am finally changing and putting to rest yelling and anger, it springs back up. Up until maybe 2 weeks ago, I was getting through days, even weeks at a time without yelling (which for me is a huge deal.) I literally thought, "I am changed!" Which might be we're my problem resurfaced. I knew God had changed my heart, but I was getting too comfortable. I had stopped crying out to Him as often to change me. I felt like I had "arrived" at being a good parent through God's guidance. But what I failed to realize is: you never arrive. Every day I need constant reliance on God to change my angry, selfish, prideful heart into a loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, gentle, faithful, self-controlled heart. I need daily, sometimes hourly or minute by minute repentance from a sincerely grateful heart. I need to know I am NOTHING without Him. I can change temporarily on my own, but the only way to change permanently is by Him changing me.  I want to be transformed. Romans 12:2 says it in such a lovely way.
"Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." NLT. 

I want it so badly. And the reason I want it so badly is not because I am there, it's because I see how far I am from there. That is why I can find thankfulness in this morning. Nothing just happens without a reason. God takes the ugly, tears it away, and shows you the beautiful. The beauty is: I need Him. And He is there for me, no matter how ugly I am. Words cannot express how grateful and full of humble joy I am to know this. Thank You, Lord.

Since I have messed up so many times, it has finally gotten through my thick head how to fix it. As soon as I dropped Tucker off at school, I raced home and tore open my Bible. I knew it had the answers. If only I had started their this morning, this probably wouldn't have happened. I read some of my favorite verses about how God wants us to behave, Colossians 3:10-17 and Ephesians 4:31-32. I came across a verse I know I have read before, but it had never spoken to my heart like this. Ephesians 4:26a, "And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” NLT. My anger is controlling me. It is causing me to talk to my children in a way I never otherwise would. It's make my heart hard towards them. It makes my actions not match up with my beliefs. It's in control. And if my anger is in control, then I am not having self control, which is one of my goals in embodying the fruits of the Spirit. So now that I see it for what it is, I can ask God to change it. And He never tires of hearing our pleas. Thank God for that.

Tomorrow is another day. Even the next minute after a mistake is fresh. Just let it go and start making your actions match your beliefs. God bless :)