Self Control-The Elusive Fruit

Busy, busy, busy! I haven't had one minute to sit down in write in the last few days. I have been working on the fruit even when I am not writing, but I have noticed that because I am not dedicating the focused time to this journey, it is almost as though the fruits are starting to wear off. The longer I go without writing, the easier it is to slip back to the familiar place I was in before. I realized this last night when I started snapping at my husband, then realized it had been so long since I sat down and focused. So, as always, I am trying to stick to my goal of writing daily. As I have said before, busy is not an excuse. If I have time to watch a show, I have time to write. If I have time to read, I have time to write. It's just a matter of priorities.
Self control has so many different areas in comes in contact with. Controlling our emotions, controlling our words, controlling our outward behavior. This week the most evident ways I need to control myself are the following: words and spending.
My words convey the most to those around me. If I am spewing nasty words, I don't look like a very good disciple of Jesus. If I am nagging my husband, I don't look like a very submissive wife. It doesn't matter what you are thinking and feeling on the inside if the outside is a volcano of ugly words. Self control is so hard for me because I think I have the right to say exactly what I am feeling, i.e. no filter. If you make me angry, your going to hear it (at least if your my husband ;-). So I am working on the inside so the outside doesn't get so yucky. If I am better at controlling my emotions on the inside, the words I bring out will be kinder. I also must realize every thought does not have to be verbalized, i.e. put a filter on that mouth. The only words that should come out my mouth should be edifying to those around me. My focus for this is based on Ephesians 4:29-"Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace for the hearers." I am going to mediate on that one for awhile.
Some issues are matters of internal or personal interaction. Some issues appear to be external, but everything has an impact on you and those around you. This is how my issue with spending is. Although it is so easy to separate this as money thing, something not so personal, it is completely personal! It affects my relationship with the Lord, because He gave me this money to be a steward of. And it affects my relationship with my family, because it can put a strain on family resources. So, a little history on the subject. I like spending money. I always have. It got out of control when we were first married and we (meaning I) got in debt. We were saved by God's grace when we began Crown Financial. This set us on the road to God's success, we knew how God wanted us to spend and save our money. We got out of debt. Then we got back in debt after having the second baby, spending our savings, and then getting a big tax bill. So that's where we are now. In a relatively small amount of debt, but still in debt. We have a plan, but in order for it to work I have to be very dedicated to it, and I have not been. So this week I started a new step for this plan. I withdrew the cash for the non-bill spending for the week (groceries, gas, entertainment, misc.) and divided it into envelopes. I will only use this money to buy what I need this week. This will force me to stay in my budget. Please pray for me to stick to this, because it will be hard! But I know that if I am faithful, He will be faithful. "So I tell you, don't worry about everyday life-whether you have enough food, drink or clothes. Doesn't life consist of more than food and clothing? Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food up, Your heavenly Father feeds them. And you are far more valuable to Him then they are...Why be like the pagans who are so deeply concerned about these things? Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and He will give you all you need from day to day if you live for Him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern." Matthew 6:25-26,32-33. One of my favorite passages and our family verse.
If you have any questions about budgets, envelope spending, how the Lord wants you to spend your money, or if you have been feeling like you need to change what you are doing financially, please contact me and I will do my best to let you know I have learned or direct you to someone who can help you. God bless and control yourself!

From The Inside Out, or The Outside In?

This morning I had the pleasure of waking before my children (an occurrence that is starting to happen quite frequently, thank you Lord!). I was able to start my day in the best way possible, reading the Word without interruption. As I played Bible roulette, I flipped through and saw some interesting commentaries. After reading through these, they led me to Romans 8. The struggle of flesh vs. Spirit is so familiar, yet convicting. My favorite verses are verse 5 and 9. Verse 5 says, "Those who are dominated by the sinful nature, think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Holy Spirit." So, when I was focused on myself, I was focused on the sin of selfishness. Even if I was doing all the right things on the outside, the inside was not focused on pleasing the Spirit. Sure, there were times I would be focused on the Spirit. But many times I would be bitter, angry, selfish. And for what? Really, nothing. The true conviction of this verse for me? If your mind is dominated by sin, it doesn't matter what you are doing on the outside. Verse 9 gives us guidance and hope. "But you are not controlled by your sinful nature. You are controlled by the Spirit, if you have the Spirit of God living in you. (And remember, those of you who don't have the Spirit of Christ living in you are not Christians at all.)" So, if you have the Spirit of God living in you, you will allow the Spirit to control you. This is not some kind of mind control robot thing. It is a freedom from the bondage of sin. This control by the Spirit is what produces the fruits of the Spirit. Say no to the flesh, say yes to Christ's leading. "For all who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God." Romans 8:14. Let the Spirit lead you so you can produce the fruit He designed for you. Don't let the outside appearance fool you. It might look great, but if the inside leading doesn't match, it is all for nothing. I know this outside appearance was like blinders for me. I did what the Lord wanted me to do outwardly, but my thoughts were often selfish and focused on sin. I am focused on allowing the Spirit to lead me now, and I want the inside and outside to match. I want all the dedication to the things of God outwardly, to match the thoughts and feelings inwardly. Thank you Lord for shedding light on this subject for me! I'm actually not even sure how I got to this place from these verses, but hopefully it makes sense to someone out there...

A Fruit Filled Day

Yesterday was quite a busy day. Busy usually equals crazy, but yesterday was not crazy. I actually felt like I exhibited or was surrounded by every fruit yesterday. The morning started out with sleeping in which was very PEACEFUL, then having my KIND husband make my a very yummy breakfast. After that, I took Ava to pick up Tucker from a sleepover with his Aunti. I showed him some LOVE after being away from him and missing his cute little face :-) We left there and went to Target, where the Lord blessed me with SELF-CONTROL while shopping. I was able to get out of there without buying anything unnecessary. We went home to rest for a little while, which is when is when I got to exercise my PATIENCE with a crying, screaming, tantrum throwing 4 year old who shall remain nameless ;-) I was able to be GENTLE while disciplining, but boy was it hard. Definitely not my favorite thing in the world to do. After getting everyone ready with perfectly groomed hair, coordinating outfits, accessories, and the full shebang, we loaded up to go get our portraits done at the park with our Life Group. After having some amazing shots with our favorite photographer, our Life Group decided to bring some GOODNESS to the local homeless population in Escondido. We were able to buy them some nice hot pizza, water bottles, and care packages. This really helped open mine and Jimmy's eyes, but also Tucker's, to the blessings that God has given us and the duty we have to help those less fortunate. Romans 12:13 says, "Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality." This is what we wanted to do, and we had a good time interacting and praying with the very nice people of Grape Day Park. After this, we went to my in laws house and had some awesome fellowship with great food and UFC fights (you might be thinking this is weird, but that's just how we roll :-). The entire day strengthened my FAITH and brought me great JOY. My husband said it best the next morning, "That was one of those days that I would like to live over again." I couldn't agree more. I have to admit, I did have times I was very close to losing my temper. But the Spirit is an awesome thing. When you are about to lose it, you take a deep breath, say a prayer, and things seem to go smoothly. Did you have a fruit filled day? I hope so! Here is to many more like it...

A Little Glimpse Into My Day...

Today has been a good day. The morning went smoothly, thanks to prayer over my children before they woke up. Tucker comes in and sleeps with me after Jimmy goes to work. As he lay there sleeping peacefully, I prayed over his heart, mind, attitude and future. I realized I should be doing this daily over both kids to protect their minds and spirits. My goal wasn't an obedient robot child, but it did have some nice results. We got Tucker off to school and Ava and I ran some errands with a friend. We then picked Tucker up and had some lunch and ice cream after school with one of his buddies. This was our scheduled fun. As dorky as it sounds, I have actually put "fun" on the schedule to ensure it gets in there. I believe we have fun everyday, but I want to make sure having fun with my kids doesn't get overrun by cleaning, cooking, volunteering, work, etc. that goes with the daily grind. So Friday's after school is now fun time. We then came home, did chores, and has some more (unscheduled) fun with our new found favorite game: obstacle course. I set up several tasks (running laps around the bar, riding the horse toy back and forth, thinking games such as stacking the rings in correct order, anything that gets out energy and requires mind skills) and time Tucker to see how long it takes him to do it. He often wants to do it over and over to improve his score. Although there were many things jammed in this day, it has been very peaceful. 2 Peter 1:2 is what I attribute this peace to, "May God bless you with His special favor and wonderful peace as you come to know Jesus, our God and Lord, better and better." The peace in my home is not from me, it is from the Lord. I am not anywhere close to being done with this journey, but I am coming to know Jesus better and better, and this is bringing peace to my home. Thank you Lord for peace! It is SOOO much nicer than strife. Just in case you were wondering what we did today, now you know! How was your day? I would love to hear about it!

And The Word of the Day Is...

Patience. The Lord is growing me in so many ways right now and today all signs point to patience. Literally, as I am writing this my son spilled a full glass of chocolate milk all over the table and floor, and I realized I was out of paper towels. Please Lord, I need patience! From marriage, to parenting, to leadership, to work, all facets of my life require patience. I worked yesterday and realized that I have the ability to be very patient. I am patient with my...patients. I am patient with my coworkers. So why does it change when I come home? I feel the need to be kind, patient, etc. with strangers, but they mean nothing to me. My family means everything to me, shouldn't I show them the traits I show to strangers? The answer is yes. So how am I going to put it into practice? Last night the Lord should me some interesting things. We started day one of "The Love Dare" and, wouldn't you know it, the topic is "Love is Patient." Some quotes I liked from the book are the following:
"Love is built on two pillars that best define what it is. Those pillars are patience and kindness. All other characteristics of love are extensions of these two attributes."
"Love will inspire you to become a patient person. When you choose to be patient (*remember we are choosing this*), you respind in a positive way to a negative situation. You are slow to anger. You choose to have a long fuse instead of a quick temper...Patience brings an internal calm during an external storm."
"...patience stops problems in their tracks. It is more than biting your lip, more than clapping a hand over your mouth, patience is a deep breath. It clears the air. It stops foolishness from whipping its scorpion tail all over the room. It is a choice to control your emotions rather than allowing your emotions to control you."
"As sure as a lack of patience will turn your home into a war zone, the practice of patience will foster peace and quiet."
"Patience helps you give your spouse permission to be human. It understands that everyone fails. When a mistake is made, it chooses to give them more time then they deserve to correct it."
These quotes are so real and inspiring. I will be putting in my full effort to being patient. My verse for meditation today will be Proverbs 15:18 "A hot tempered man stirs up strife, but the slow to anger calms a dispute." With all of the fruits of the Spirit being intertwined, being off on one negatively affects the others. So with patience, comes many beautiful things, and I want to see them alive in my home.

What Do You Need on a Rainy Day?

Patience, that's what. All I can say is my So Cal babies can't stand not leaving the house all day. Baby girl is so fussy and has been attached to my hip all day. Big boy is throwing fits and wasting time. When I write that it sounds silly, because I guess we have time to spare, its just frustrating to ask him to do things and for it to take 3 hours. So, that's where my patience comes in. "Love is patient..." Well, I love my children, so I must be patient. Even when Ava doesn't go down for her nap...three times in a row. And when Tucker decides to take 45 minutes to eat a sandwich (not exaggerating on either one, wish I was.) I still have to choose to be patient. Not to mention that I have a great example of patience in the Lord. For the many years I did not obey him, and the more recent times I still slip up (like today for example), He still patiently waits for my plea for forgiveness. If my job as a parent is to show my children God's love, a very important part of this is patience. And another thing I am learning is that we have to choose our behavior and feelings. Am I choosing to be an angry, bratty, bitter, vengeful person? Or, am I choosing to be a loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, gentle, faithful, and self-controlled person? I think I'll choose the latter...how about you? Who are you choosing to be today?
 So, on this rainy day I am choosing to be patient.

I Have the Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy Down in My Heart....

Sitting in the church yesterday, I was struck by a sense of joy. I was enjoying the sermon, the atmosphere, the worship. In the recognition of the feeling of joy, I realized that I do not always have this feeling. Yes, I am very content with my life, I don't think I would change a single detail. But for some reason, I am not full of joy all the time. As I started to consider why this was, the Lord gently shared with me, "It's because you are not choosing to be filled with joy." Oh, okay Lord, I like when you make it nice and simple ;-) I need to choose joy in all situations. Sometimes it is easy for me to think about the circumstances I am in and wallow or pity myself. If I've had a hard day with the kids, I may think I am justified in being snippy or in thinking that I deserve an easier life, but I am not. I need to focus on the blessings in my life. I am so blessed to be a stay-at-home-mom (for the most part). My husband is a great husband to me and dad to my kids. My family and friends are loving and supportive. I belong to the coolest church on the planet. But even if none of these things were true, Jesus Christ, son of God, Savior of the world, came to this earth to die for me. Me! And not to mention that God and I are BFF's. These things alone are enough to bring me everlasting and complete joy! So, my goal for today is to find joy in all circumstances and CHOOSE joy over any other feeling. Justification and "I deserve..." are going to be stumbling blocks in the way of your joy. The devil is always standing by trying to steal your joy, don't let him! Put your focus on the Lord and what He has done for you. Show your joy to the world as a light that cannot be extinguished. My two verses for today are Philippians 4:4-"Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again-rejoice!" and 1 Peter 1:8-"You love Him even though you have never seen Him. Though you do not see Him, you trust Him; and even now you are happy with a glorious, inexpressible joy." I have the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart...

Can You Say Control Freak?

If anyone reading this knows me, you probably know that I am a control freak. I may have been hiding it from some of you, but now its out in the open. I would like to control everything. I want to control every bite of food going into my childrens mouths, I want to control everything my family watches, I would really like to control every word that comes out of my husband's mouth for some reason (still wondering about that one.). I want to control everyone else, but in the process I can't control myself. I can't stop myself from speaking the words of control over my family. So, today I am working on self-control. Something kind of surreal happened when I began this journey a little over a week ago. My mind, heart, eyes, and ears were taken over. I interpreted, felt, saw, and heard things differently. Instead of being quick to correct, control, yell, or cut off, I was "quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry." (James 1:19) Even in doing so I would recognize what the former me would have done, which was very interesting. It was so weird, yet awesome! So, as the week started and the old pressures of life started back again, I noticed this kind of wearing off. So my goal for the day is to return to that way of thinking and use self-control. James 1:19 is the best reference for this. When are we usually losing control of our selves? When we are jumping to conclusions, not letting people finish their sentences, not fully thinking before we speak. I especially have this problem with Tucker (and sometimes Jimmy). I assume I know what they are going to say (because I read minds and everything ;-). Even if I do know how they are going to finish, it is very frustrating to them. I need to control my tongue from trying to control others. My husband is a wonderful, fully capable human being. I don't need to control what he is doing and saying. Yes, I do need to control something in my childrens lives, but not every teeny tiny little detail. I need to give them some freedom to train them how to make good choices. This has been the fruit of the Spirit that had been holding me back from diving in, and a prayer of mine for about 4 years now to be more submissive and respectful to my husband. So...here we go. Lord, help me......

And the Greatest of All, Love.

Love, Love, Love. This is one fruit of the Spirit that should be easy. The Lord gives us the perfect example of love. He loved each and every one of us so much that He sent His son to die on the cross for us. (Romans 5:8). He loved us so much that He forgives the unforgivable, He gives mercy to those who need it, He cares about every single detail in our lives. There is nothing about you or me that God doesn't love, except sin. Nothing can separate us from God's love either. Romans 8:38 says, "And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from His love, Death can't and life can't. The angels can't and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away." So with this example, it should be easy for us to love, right? It should be, but sometimes its not. Although I may always *xfeel* love for my family and friends, if I am not exhibiting the fruits of the Spirit, they may interpret it as me not loving them. If I am not kind, the feeling of love may not be felt. So one of my goals this week is to make sure my actions match up with my heart. I love my children, husband, family and friends unconditionally, so my actions need to say the same. If I am not exhibiting the fruits of the Spirit, they may not be sure about my love for them. In addition to loving our "loved ones" we are also called to love all people, it is the sign of a disciple. John 13:35 says "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." This isn't referring to just the nice, neutral, or decent people you see, it also includes the unclean, the downtrodden, and our enemies. Matthew 5:44 reminds us, "But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!" This one seems harder to me. Sure I can love the people I choose to be around, but as for those who have wronged me...this is not as easy. I don't really have any "enemies" but there are people out there that are harder to be around than others. So, lets add another goal to this week. I will choose to love all God's people, even the people that I have deemed "unlovable." This is such an example to those around us about what God is really about. I will need God's strength and reminder, but I know I can count on Him ;-) So to you I say, I love you (see, I'm starting already!). Go in love and show everyone how much God loves them!

Busy Is Not an Excuse

 So, I have already failed on my goal of writing every day. I missed the last 2 days because of how busy I have been. But I cannot make excuses. I need to set my priorities straight. If I don't have time for focusing on my walk, I have it all wrong. So...lets get back on track!
 In my busyness this week, I have had lots of changes to exercise my self-control :-) I was still rushed, because I realized that I had already planned so many things for this week that I wasn't able to fully implement my schedule. So that is one of my goals for next week, trying to not fit too many things in and actually stick to the schedule. This would also be an exercise in self control. Self control. Wow! It is hard sometimes. When you have a 4 year old who thinks its normal to take 40 minutes to eat a meal, who likes to dilly dally, and generally drive mommy insane with his snail pace, then you get a lot of chances to either blow it or exercise self control. When I have to be out the door in  5 minutes and I look at him eating his soggy cereal, still not dressed I can (a) scream at him and ask him why he is purposely driving me crazy (because that's why he does everything, right? Like it's actually premeditated.) or (b) calmly tell him that he needs to be done eating and get him dressed. In my pre-fruit awakening days, I would have been yelling, but now I make the choice to be calm. I am also realizing that so much of it is me not setting the tone, being prepared, and taking control of the situation. Now, I get Tucker dressed before he eats so that if he decides to take more time than ever before in the history of breakfast-eating, I can just cut him off and get him out the door. Also, like I said a couple days ago, the fruits of the Spirit are intertwined. If I decide to lose my cool and scream like a banshee, I am not showing love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, and gentleness. My motivation for today is from 2 Peter 1:6-8, "Knowing God leads to self-control. Self-control leads to patient endurance, and patient endurance leads to godliness. Godliness leads to love for other Christians, and finally you will grow to have genuine love for everyone. The more you grow like this, the more you will become productive and useful in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ."
This week I am going to be examining things that prevent me from being Spirit filled and changing them.  Set your priorities, set your tone, and set your mind on the fruits of the Spirit.

Schedule, What's a Schedule?

Today is the first day of the rest of our life. Well, actually it's not that different from any other day. But it is the first day of the Balderas family actually being on a schedule. As I said yesterday, when I was talking with my friend about why things were not working she suggested that we might be over committed, and I had to agree. I realized that the times when I would be angry, bitter, and psycho were the times when I was rushed (i.e. every morning.) I also realized that I was always mad, bitter, and yes, psycho again, when I had expectations for things to be done by my family that they didn't really know were "due" at a certain time. So, that night I sat down and made a schedule for our family. It included what days chores were to be done on, school schedule, sports and playgroup schedules, waking and bedtimes, (most importantly) Bible and devotion time, all color coded with pretty font, because that's how I roll. I also printed out Mama's chore schedule so that I clean a little bit everyday instead of letting the house become a disaster zone and then cleaning for hours. This, I am praying, will help me to (1) plan ahead for the time I will be heading out the door, (2) not scheduling too many other things in my day so the truly important things get done, and (3) everyone's chores are listed so they can daily check and see what needs to be done so I am not a nagging wife/mama driving everyone crazy with annoyance. After all, "It is better to live alone in the desert than with a quarreling and complaining wife." Proverbs 21:19 NCV. (I know that's one every wife wants to hear ;-) So far today it has been a little rocky, but I was expecting that. I realized that if I am rushed, stressed, and generally  disorganized it makes me more likely to stray from the fruits of the Spirit and turn towards the flesh. My inspiration today is from Proverbs 31:27- "She watches over her family and never wastes her time." NCV. Although I am not completely focused on one fruit of the Spirit today, I am trying to change the reasons why I may not exhibit the fruits. What is your trigger? Work on it with me...

How Did I End Up Here...

In my attempt to try to make my brain wrap around this new place I am at and this new person that I am, I have to review how I got here. This week, and beyond, has all led up to an awaking that I didn't know I needed, I never thought would happen, yet totally see that I am a much better person for having it.

On Tuesday the 5th of October I was drawn, yet again, to Galatians. The fruits of the Spirit are what I wanted. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of exhibiting these characteristics to those around me. After all, I am a perfect Christian, wife, and mother...right? Yeah right. My morning started off with trying to get two young children out the door by a certain time so we could be on time for a playdate. First of all, this is a crazy notion in the first place. I waited to long to start getting ready, so when it was time to actually be out the door and we weren't ready, I started fuming. So I was yelling, threatening, disciplining (without patience) and generally being a total hag. So by the time we all actually get in the car, no one is happy. As I drove along the freeway, the Lord put the fruits of the Spirit in my mind. As I went through each one, I slowly realized that I had not shown any fruits to my children that morning. I was not gentle (my hardest fruit to come by), kind, patient, joyful, nothing. So now I feel like the worst mom ever. Fast forward to Thursday...As I yet again am trying to get two small children out the door on time. Still fuming, still late, trying to be patient. This time I am going to Moms of the Movement group, of which I am a table leader (no pressure to be a good mom or anything ;-) So I struggle to get my kids checked in to the childcare, leave the baby screaming with the babysitters, and try to act like a halfway decent human being. The lovely and talented Sunshine McGinty a.k.a pastors wife, is speaking. She gives a wonderful talk on how important mom's tone is to the family. She quoted her husband saying, "The father leads the home, but the mom sets the tone." This totally resonated in my soul. I can set the tone in my home, without being the leader. Without controlling my husband and childrens every move, without being a dictator, but by setting the tone. She then goes on to reference Galatians 5:22-26, which are the fruit of the Spirit. OMG (oh my goodness ;-) I can't believe I am hearing this, even though I can because I know how awesome God is and how He always ties everything together. Fast forward to Friday...I am trying to set the tone in my home, yet my son is being a maniac. After disciplining him in the morning, we had a smooth day until about 3pm when he decided to be ridiculous. So after trying to disciplining him and failing, I told him to stay in his room until his dad got home, which was 45 minutes. Yes, I know...I am the best mom in the world right now. I preceded to call my good friend and expert on discipline, and also the other pastors wife. I was at the end of my rope and I explained the situation to her. And she told me several good and sobering things that I desperately needed to hear at this point. (1) I was not being consistent in my discipline, (2) I was probably over scheduling myself since I always felt like was in a rush, (3) (this is probably the most important thing I needed to hear) I had anger building up in my heart. This was very hard to hear and figure out, but exactly what I needed to hear. At this moment, I realized that I could no longer be like this. I asked the Lord to change my heart and make me a non-angry person. From this moment, I felt like I literally had a heart transplant. I was not angry at my husband for no reason, I was not quick to explode on my children for disobedient behavior. I also was submissive to my husband, which was something I had been praying for 4 years. Because I was no longer defensive, bitter, and tired, I was able to be a servant to family. I feel like a new person. It is blowing my mind. when I tried to explain it to a friend today I couldn't even find the words. I have a peace that passes understanding, which is a sign that this is the Lord's doing, and has nothing to do with me. All the glory is to Him for making my someone I actually want to be.

I am not anywhere close to where I want to be, but I am far away from who I was. I am still working on gentleness today, and so far I think that Lord is happy with my attitude today. And my realization today, is that one single fruit cannot be singled out. They go hand and hand with each other. My new found gentleness has sparked joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, goodness, love, and self control. Well, that's all of them. So I encourage you to pick the one that is hardest to you and begin working on it, because they others should follow suit....

My most deficient fruit...

After meditating on how I should go about this, I have decided to start with the fruit I need the most. Just like if I was deficient from a particular vitamin, I would take that one first. So, I am starting with gentleness. To me, gentleness means: soft, sweet, sometimes stepped on, not authoritative, sometimes weak. I feel like a strong person, and I am not sure how gentleness fits in. In my mind, being gentle will allow for the kids to run the house and for my husband to run our family into the ground. But this is not so. The Greek lexicon describes gentleness as moral kindness, integrity, benignity (kindness or tolerance toward others), and kindness. The root word in the Greek is chrestos which means fit, fit for use, useful; virtuous, good; manageable; mild, pleasant (as opp. to harsh, hard sharp, bitter); of things: more pleasant, of people, kind, benevolent. Ok. So that has not been me, at all. Sure if have times I feel useful, maybe good, I feel like I have integrity. But the way I have been behaving in general with my family lately has not been like this. I like "mild, pleasant (as opposed to harsh, hard, sharp, bitter.) " Dingdingding, we have a winner! I am guilty of being harsh. Harsh in my words, harsh in my tone, harsh in my reactions. When someone asks me for something, "roarrrrr", chew you up, spit you out, "why do you think you have the right to annoy me"- is my response. This is not "pleasant, kind, or benevolent." I feel like a prickly cactus when I really need to be a soft, comfy teddy bear. Not to say I will not discipline when needed, but in general I will be welcoming, soft, loving and kind. My inspiration today is 1 Peter 3:4 "but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious." I want my actions to be precious in the sight of the Lord. I don't want to be seen as an iron fist by my family, I want to be seen as open arms to run to. So my mission for the day (and yours if you choose to accept it ;-) is to be gentle, according to the Biblical definition. Show everyone you come in contact with what it means to be gentle. I am sure going to try...

"...against such things, there is no law."

Today has been an interesting day... In this day I have decided to change the person I am. I am completely exhausted of who I am and can't do it anymore. The funny thing is, up until this week I was pretty content with who I thought I was. I thought I was a great example, to my husband, my children, my friends. But the Lord gave me a nice little smack in the face, which was exactly what I needed. I am not exactly sure how to even go about this. That is why I am writing this blog. It is partially for me, a record to see the change, somewhat like a journal. And it is partially for you. Anyone that has ever wanted to change, needed to change, or didn't even realize they should change until they read something like this.
A little background on my life. I am a married, Mother of 2. My son is 4 and my daughter is 1. In January I will have been married for 5 years. I have never been a submissive person. In general, if someone tells me what to do, I do the opposite. When I came into my own relationship with the Lord, I had a much easier time submitting to Him, but still not as well to my husband. I have given myself credit, thinking that I had come so far, that I should be proud of myself that I was fairly decent to my husband. Until today, when God showed me that the way I have been doing "submissive" is not HIS way. I also, up until today, thought I was a wonderful, loving mother. I do love my children, and I was doing what I thought was best. But anger would sneak in, and my heart would turn cold. I have never hurt them physically, but my anger was scaring them. A huge wake up call today was when my son told my husband that I scared him with my yelling and he didn't know the reason I was acting this way. My heart broke. My only comfort today is Psalms 119:28- "My soul is weary with sorrow; strenthen me according to your word." So, to His word I go. Galatians 5:22-26.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.
Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another."

The Lord actually gave me this passage New Years Day 2010. It has been surfacing in every facet of my life this year and I finally know what to do with it. I am going to meditate on each one until I understand what it means and feel the peace of the Spirit to move on to the next fruit. I want to know how to embody each one, in my marriage, my parenting, my relationships, my leadership roles, everything. I am going to be completely honest, so this may change the way some of you look at me, but I have to show my true heart to you. It's broken and humble and I want to allow the Lord to work through me. I am usually a little more happy and humorous in my writing, but Wow, what a day. More to come tomorrow. I will be meditating on this continually.