How Did I End Up Here...

In my attempt to try to make my brain wrap around this new place I am at and this new person that I am, I have to review how I got here. This week, and beyond, has all led up to an awaking that I didn't know I needed, I never thought would happen, yet totally see that I am a much better person for having it.

On Tuesday the 5th of October I was drawn, yet again, to Galatians. The fruits of the Spirit are what I wanted. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of exhibiting these characteristics to those around me. After all, I am a perfect Christian, wife, and mother...right? Yeah right. My morning started off with trying to get two young children out the door by a certain time so we could be on time for a playdate. First of all, this is a crazy notion in the first place. I waited to long to start getting ready, so when it was time to actually be out the door and we weren't ready, I started fuming. So I was yelling, threatening, disciplining (without patience) and generally being a total hag. So by the time we all actually get in the car, no one is happy. As I drove along the freeway, the Lord put the fruits of the Spirit in my mind. As I went through each one, I slowly realized that I had not shown any fruits to my children that morning. I was not gentle (my hardest fruit to come by), kind, patient, joyful, nothing. So now I feel like the worst mom ever. Fast forward to Thursday...As I yet again am trying to get two small children out the door on time. Still fuming, still late, trying to be patient. This time I am going to Moms of the Movement group, of which I am a table leader (no pressure to be a good mom or anything ;-) So I struggle to get my kids checked in to the childcare, leave the baby screaming with the babysitters, and try to act like a halfway decent human being. The lovely and talented Sunshine McGinty a.k.a pastors wife, is speaking. She gives a wonderful talk on how important mom's tone is to the family. She quoted her husband saying, "The father leads the home, but the mom sets the tone." This totally resonated in my soul. I can set the tone in my home, without being the leader. Without controlling my husband and childrens every move, without being a dictator, but by setting the tone. She then goes on to reference Galatians 5:22-26, which are the fruit of the Spirit. OMG (oh my goodness ;-) I can't believe I am hearing this, even though I can because I know how awesome God is and how He always ties everything together. Fast forward to Friday...I am trying to set the tone in my home, yet my son is being a maniac. After disciplining him in the morning, we had a smooth day until about 3pm when he decided to be ridiculous. So after trying to disciplining him and failing, I told him to stay in his room until his dad got home, which was 45 minutes. Yes, I know...I am the best mom in the world right now. I preceded to call my good friend and expert on discipline, and also the other pastors wife. I was at the end of my rope and I explained the situation to her. And she told me several good and sobering things that I desperately needed to hear at this point. (1) I was not being consistent in my discipline, (2) I was probably over scheduling myself since I always felt like was in a rush, (3) (this is probably the most important thing I needed to hear) I had anger building up in my heart. This was very hard to hear and figure out, but exactly what I needed to hear. At this moment, I realized that I could no longer be like this. I asked the Lord to change my heart and make me a non-angry person. From this moment, I felt like I literally had a heart transplant. I was not angry at my husband for no reason, I was not quick to explode on my children for disobedient behavior. I also was submissive to my husband, which was something I had been praying for 4 years. Because I was no longer defensive, bitter, and tired, I was able to be a servant to family. I feel like a new person. It is blowing my mind. when I tried to explain it to a friend today I couldn't even find the words. I have a peace that passes understanding, which is a sign that this is the Lord's doing, and has nothing to do with me. All the glory is to Him for making my someone I actually want to be.

I am not anywhere close to where I want to be, but I am far away from who I was. I am still working on gentleness today, and so far I think that Lord is happy with my attitude today. And my realization today, is that one single fruit cannot be singled out. They go hand and hand with each other. My new found gentleness has sparked joy, peace, patience, kindness, faithfulness, goodness, love, and self control. Well, that's all of them. So I encourage you to pick the one that is hardest to you and begin working on it, because they others should follow suit....