Hello old friend. It has been too long.
God started whispering to me a few months ago. Write. Change. I heard it. Yet, I knew I needed to hear some other things before I knew what to write and how to change. Perhaps it would help if I chronicled how I got to where I am.
It's hard to pinpoint where it started. For those of you who have read since the beginning, my life had become remarkably similar to my first post. Angry mommy, mean wife, grudge holding matriarch of the family. This lovely behavior was only inflicted on my husband and children, the people who are closest to me. But I couldn't see it. I saw myself as the loving mother, caring wife, all around caregiver. That's when God removed the scales from my eyes.
I have always found that phrase so interesting. It originates in the story of Saul becoming Paul. God blinded him physically to alert him of his spiritual blindness. When he was visited by Ananias, a servant of the Lord, God removed the scales from his eyes and Paul could once again clearly see physically, and now spiritually. When we are in sin, we don't often recognize this. If we did recognize it, then we would be required to change. The Holy Spirit is so good to alert in us the need to repent and turn from our sin. But the problem comes when we are blind to the sin, as Paul was blind to the fact that he was wrong about Jesus. Charles Spurgeon gave an amazing sermon on this. He expounds on the fact that it is possible to be going after something with all your might, but to be going after the wrong thing. To be blind to the sin in your endeavour. To have scales over your eyes and to be unable to see that you have the incorrect focus. This is what my life has looked like for... I am not even sure how long. I have been unaware that my words were like daggers to the hearts of my most cherished people. My actions were slowly turning them against me. I saw that, I saw them being unkind to me, becoming distant from me, disobeying and yelling and screaming at me. But I was completely unable to see my part in it, unable to see the damage I was unleashing on them.
God is so good to not allow me to go further in my sin. Just as God used Ananias to remove the scales from Paul's eyes, God used my husband to remove mine. After three very difficult, painful conversations unlike any in my life, the scales fell off. Or maybe were ripped off. I went from being so self righteous in every decision I made, every word I said - no matter how hurtful or sinful - to being sorrowful and pained at the sight I now saw. The realization of the hurt I had caused, the tears I had induced, the havvock I had orchestrated. All the issues I attributed to everyone else had a root in my treatment of my family. It hurt so badly, so painfully. It ached in my body and I was so full of regret. If I didn't have the loving embrace of Jesus at that moment, I don't know how I could have moved forward. He comforted me and reminded me that I can change and that He will show me the way.
That began the process to this moment. The moment where I start over and try to figure this out. "This" being how to be a different person. How to be the person God wants me to be. He removed the scales and now, in His infinite goodness, He will show me the way. I have to trust Him for each step. I don't get to see the whole path, I just get to see the next step, which is the hardest part for someone who has tried to be in control of everything and everyone for so long.
The first step was apologizing to my kids and my husband. I told my kids that God and I had a conversation and I realized I wasn't being a very nice mommy and that I was sorry for that. I told them if it was okay with them, I wanted to start fresh and try my hardest to be the best mommy I could be. Before I could even finish the sentence, Sadie hugged me and said, "Oh Mama, it's okay!" and Tucker said he forgave me, and Ava gave me a smile. God was so good to remind me that children are resilient, that He can protect their hearts from my mistakes, and that it is never too late to change when you recognize that you've done wrong. Jimmy has also been forgiving, but also continues to remind me if I start to slip back into who I was before. Although that is not always fun (or is never fun), it is always necessary and I thank him for that. He is my partner in life, given to me by God to become more holy through situations like this (even when it hurts).
The next step is getting back to writing. This is where God speaks more clearly to me then anywhere else. This is where I insist on quiet, so I can hear Him best, where I dig into His Holy word to discover the gems of knowledge He has so sweetly blessed us with. This is where I can process through what He is saying to me, so I can learn and grow. This is where I can have accountability and confession. Maybe this is where I can tell you what God tells me and we can grow together. This is where I can document the changes that He has made in me, so if I slip up or forget I can go back and say, "Lord, I am a mess and you are so good to me and I don't deserve the grace I have been given through your son."
This is the place, The place it started, the place I grew, the place I want to change in again. God's timing never ceases to amaze me. At the beginning of a new year, I have a fresh chance to be the person I want to be, the person God made me to be, the person I am destined to be through God's will and plan.
Lord, thank You for not giving up on me. Thank You for removing the scales from my eyes and allowing me to see myself for who I really was. Please don't ever let me go back to being that person. Change my heart to be like Yours. Let my words bring life and not destruction. Let me be hyper aware of every word, every look, every decision and how that affects my family. Let me be more like you every day of my life. Thank you for second (and third and fourth and infinite) chances. You are too good to me and I don't deserve it.
Amen
