Change

It is still early, but after my somewhat depressing post last night I would like to share that today is going well so far. Tucker woke up with an almost unsettlingly cheerful attitude and has not had any fits so far today. I know this is completely thanks to my heartfelt cries to God last night to fix a situation I could not. He is the only One that can get inside that little boys heart and mind. I am staying fed by the Word to keep my patience levels up. I am drawn to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. There is a technique some use to make scripture more personal. Insert your name in the verse, in this case where "love" is. So to me, this scripture says, "Caitlyn is patient and kind. Caitlyn is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Caitlyn does not demand her own way (oh she doesn't, does she?). Caitlyn is not irritable (oops), and she keeps no record of being wronged. Caitlyn does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever truth wins out. Caitlyn never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." As I read this, I realize that some of this is currently not true. Caitlyn does get irritable (quite often) and Caitlyn demands her own way (very frequently.) But the more I read it and put myself in it, the more I realize I need to change. So that's what I am working on today. I am also praising God for the changed attitude in my son, that only He could bring about. And I pray that it keeps :-)

Trust Me. Rely on Me. Pray for him.

What a trying day...I don't even know where to start, I am beyond exhausted.

No one told me that when a child turns 5 he throws raging tantrums. Or maybe its just my child. It has been about 2 weeks now, and I keep thinking it will stop, but its not. I am trying to be as consistent as possible, following through with all consequences, doing everything I can think of. Nothing is working. As I sit here and think about the days events, I can't see anything I could have done differently. It is so frustrating. Usually I can find something I should have done differently, but not today. If I could find something I did wrong, I could fix it tomorrow. But I have nothing to fix. Just as I am starting to feel hopeless, God whispers in my ear, "Trust Me. Rely on Me. Pray for him." The comfort that comes from relying on the Lord is uncomparable to anything else. Tears fill my eyes when I read the verse, Psalm 94:19 "When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer." At this moment, all I have to cling to is hope that God can show me what to do tomorrow and that He will work on Tucker's heart as well. He will not leave me alone to figure it out, He will guide me through, He will hold my hand. Sorry I am not very inspirational tonight, I can barely type this. But I know I have to, because this is how the Lord speaks to me. He helps me work out the problem through words and shows me the solutions. And an added benefit is that maybe someone else had the same day that I did and they need to hear what God has to say. "Trust Me. Rely on Me. Pray for him (your child.)" Tomorrow is another day...

Be Careful What You Pray For...

I have heard the phrase, "don't pray for patience, because you may not like the way God teaches it to you." I am feeling that way about gentleness. Yesterday at church I asked God to help me let go of my need to control my family (once again) and to be a more gentle mother. Yesterday went well. I felt very gentle and the freedom that comes from not being a nagging wife and mother. Today...today is a different story. I think it may be because yesterday went so well, I was kind of expecting the same for today. Well, today is not yesterday. It never is. Today started with me losing my temper, yelling, spanking, and in general just being a horrible mom. You may have noticed I did not say what Tucker did to insight these hideous behaviors. Its because it shouldn't matter what he does, I am still expected to exhibit the fruits of the Spirit. How can I expect any kind of right behavior from my kids if I myself cannot behave properly? I can't. At one point I had to be by myself for quite awhile to calm down and (eventually) ask for repentance. After, I held Tucker explained that mommies can get angry too and it is not right for me to behave this way. I then asked him to forgive me. This is pretty much the only thing I have done right today. But, I have the rest of today, and tomorrow, and as many more days as God will give me to become the mother that He wants me to be. So the Scripture I am going to focus on today is Proverbs 15:1, "A gentle word deflects anger, but harsh words cause conflict." The behavior that was started by Tucker could have been deflected with my gentle words, but instead I increased the conflict with harsh words. So I have to use all of my God given strength to control my emotions and use gentle words. Another thing that has been on my heart since yesterday is something Pastor Jeremy said. "God's kindness is what leads us to repentence, not his anger." My anger is not going to change my childrens behavior, my kindness will. So I am going to work on these two focuses right now. What is your focus today?