Change

It is still early, but after my somewhat depressing post last night I would like to share that today is going well so far. Tucker woke up with an almost unsettlingly cheerful attitude and has not had any fits so far today. I know this is completely thanks to my heartfelt cries to God last night to fix a situation I could not. He is the only One that can get inside that little boys heart and mind. I am staying fed by the Word to keep my patience levels up. I am drawn to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. There is a technique some use to make scripture more personal. Insert your name in the verse, in this case where "love" is. So to me, this scripture says, "Caitlyn is patient and kind. Caitlyn is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Caitlyn does not demand her own way (oh she doesn't, does she?). Caitlyn is not irritable (oops), and she keeps no record of being wronged. Caitlyn does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever truth wins out. Caitlyn never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." As I read this, I realize that some of this is currently not true. Caitlyn does get irritable (quite often) and Caitlyn demands her own way (very frequently.) But the more I read it and put myself in it, the more I realize I need to change. So that's what I am working on today. I am also praising God for the changed attitude in my son, that only He could bring about. And I pray that it keeps :-)

Trust Me. Rely on Me. Pray for him.

What a trying day...I don't even know where to start, I am beyond exhausted.

No one told me that when a child turns 5 he throws raging tantrums. Or maybe its just my child. It has been about 2 weeks now, and I keep thinking it will stop, but its not. I am trying to be as consistent as possible, following through with all consequences, doing everything I can think of. Nothing is working. As I sit here and think about the days events, I can't see anything I could have done differently. It is so frustrating. Usually I can find something I should have done differently, but not today. If I could find something I did wrong, I could fix it tomorrow. But I have nothing to fix. Just as I am starting to feel hopeless, God whispers in my ear, "Trust Me. Rely on Me. Pray for him." The comfort that comes from relying on the Lord is uncomparable to anything else. Tears fill my eyes when I read the verse, Psalm 94:19 "When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer." At this moment, all I have to cling to is hope that God can show me what to do tomorrow and that He will work on Tucker's heart as well. He will not leave me alone to figure it out, He will guide me through, He will hold my hand. Sorry I am not very inspirational tonight, I can barely type this. But I know I have to, because this is how the Lord speaks to me. He helps me work out the problem through words and shows me the solutions. And an added benefit is that maybe someone else had the same day that I did and they need to hear what God has to say. "Trust Me. Rely on Me. Pray for him (your child.)" Tomorrow is another day...

Be Careful What You Pray For...

I have heard the phrase, "don't pray for patience, because you may not like the way God teaches it to you." I am feeling that way about gentleness. Yesterday at church I asked God to help me let go of my need to control my family (once again) and to be a more gentle mother. Yesterday went well. I felt very gentle and the freedom that comes from not being a nagging wife and mother. Today...today is a different story. I think it may be because yesterday went so well, I was kind of expecting the same for today. Well, today is not yesterday. It never is. Today started with me losing my temper, yelling, spanking, and in general just being a horrible mom. You may have noticed I did not say what Tucker did to insight these hideous behaviors. Its because it shouldn't matter what he does, I am still expected to exhibit the fruits of the Spirit. How can I expect any kind of right behavior from my kids if I myself cannot behave properly? I can't. At one point I had to be by myself for quite awhile to calm down and (eventually) ask for repentance. After, I held Tucker explained that mommies can get angry too and it is not right for me to behave this way. I then asked him to forgive me. This is pretty much the only thing I have done right today. But, I have the rest of today, and tomorrow, and as many more days as God will give me to become the mother that He wants me to be. So the Scripture I am going to focus on today is Proverbs 15:1, "A gentle word deflects anger, but harsh words cause conflict." The behavior that was started by Tucker could have been deflected with my gentle words, but instead I increased the conflict with harsh words. So I have to use all of my God given strength to control my emotions and use gentle words. Another thing that has been on my heart since yesterday is something Pastor Jeremy said. "God's kindness is what leads us to repentence, not his anger." My anger is not going to change my childrens behavior, my kindness will. So I am going to work on these two focuses right now. What is your focus today?

Honor

As some of my Facebook friends might have seen several weeks ago, I was in search of the book "Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes in You and Your Kids!" A book by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller. No one had it, so I waited for awhile, and then after a particularly difficult day of whining and crying (from both Tucker and me), I broke down and ordered it off Amazon. My only regret is that I didn't get this sooner (like 5 years ago when Tucker was soon to be born.) This book is all about a family based on honor. Honor is refrenced thoroughly in the Bible and this book has many Scriptures throughout. Honor is defined as treating people as special, doing more than what's expected, and having a good attitude. It is not possible to whine and honor at the same time. It is also not possible to yell at your children and honor them at the same time. Your children will never learn honor if you are not honoring to them or your spouse. That was the key to me understanding the problems that we have been experiencing with Tucker's behavior lately. I am usually frustrated with Tucker's behavior and am short with him when it comes to correction. When I do that it does not help him to calm down and listen, it sends this particular child into a fury, and it is also not showing him honor. If I honor my child by showing him the time and calm attitude I have to hear him out and then answer him, he has the ability to have an honoring response. This does not give him an excuse to not supply first time obedience, it shows him how people are supposed to respond to each other, with grace and patience.
We have been talking a lot about honor since I started reading the book, and we have had several family discussions around the dinner table about how to honor each other. When Tucker starts whining or arguing, I ask him if his behavior is honoring me or not. Sometimes he will say he is not honoring me and he will stop arguing. Then we will discuss a better way to talk about the issue. Sometimes he says/yells, "I don't want to talk about honoring anymore," and continues in his behavior. It is definately a work in progress, but I can already see fruit. I know that the work I put into bringing this family up in honor will be worth it. It is a lot of work, but it would be either way, right?
I highly recommend this book to any person who believes that the Bible has an answer for everything that life throws at you. But be prepared...this is not a quick fix answer for your child. It is a long term family change that challenges both child and parent. But its worth it :-)

Undisciplined Parent=Out of Control Child

I am seriously sucking at following the fruits of the Spirit today. As calm as I am trying to be, it is just not happening. Tucker has been very defiant lately, the talking back is what kills me. Whether its whining, arguing, or just straight disobedience, it drives me insane. This morning was just the last straw. Instead of correcting him in love and gentleness I corrected him in anger and loss of control. In addition to this being the complete wrong way to Biblically discipline a child, this particular child is very sensitive and starts screaming when I yell at him, which I did today. That just makes me more angry and the simple correcting process has spiraled out of control. I finally had to stop it and step out to cool off.
As easy as it is to blame Tucker for what happened, I am the mother and I am the one who needs to have self control, no matter what he does. I have to set up my day to prepare my heart for whatever is thrown at me and not react in anger. I (of course) did not start my day in the Word, nor did I ask the Lord to give me love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, or self control towards my children or anyone else I come in contact with today. And then it just seems silly to me, how can I expect my day to go if I don't prepare myself? Is it any suprise my child is out of control when I myself am being undisciplined? Of course not. Just another lesson brought to you by the fruits of the Spirit ;-) Now I am going to meditate and pray on incorporating all of the fruits into my parenting for the rest of this day. Its never too late to save the day from ruin.

"Is this what I want to be doing when Christ comes back?"

I just finished Francis Chan's "Crazy Love" about 5 minutes ago. The last section of the book shares the same title as my blog entry today: "Is this what I want to be doing when Christ comes back?" This book has inspired me like no other book (other than the Bible, of course ;-). Francis' honesty and frank style has the ability to move you past the edge of comfort. But this is what we were called for. Through reading this book I was inspired to follow a calling to stay home with my children. I have been looking at my life in a different light. The last section of this book he says, "...how will you answer the King when He says, 'What did you do with what I gave you?'" This is not the first time I have heard this, but it hit me harder this time. That leads me to the question at the begining of this post, what do I want to be doing when Jesus comes back? I would be happy if Jesus came back while I was blogging :-) Because I write for His glory and for my growth in Him. I definately do not want Him to come back when I am yelling at my kids, or nagging my husband, or sitting on my butt when I could be doing something important. But the reality is He could come back at anytime, and I should be living like that. This is the mindset I need to be in constantly. Earlier in the book, Francis asks what is the one sentence you will be remembered by when your gone? Our Pastor has said this several times and it has always caught my attention. I wrote down what I wanted my sentence to be the first time our Pastor asked. What I wrote was, "She trusted the Lord with her whole life, and because of this her family and friends believed." After hearing the question again, I added another sentence for the season of my life I am in now. "She taught her children to love God, love His people, and take care of his creation." He goes on to say, what are you doing to make this your life? That was the moment that I realized I needed to stay home with my babies. For me to fulfill my life sentences this is what I needed to do. And that is what I want to being doing if Jesus comes back. Living the life He made me for. He closes out the book with this command. "Now close this book. Get on your knees before our holy, loving God. And then live the life with your friends, your family, parents, spouse, children, neighbors, enemies, and strangers that He has empowered you through the Holy Spirit to live. May you be able to say at the end of your life, along with Paul, 'I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that Day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing.'-2 Timothy 4:7-8." So this is what I need to do!
What is your life sentence? And what are you doing to live it out? No more excuses, be who God made you to be!

When It Rains...

It seems quite appropriate that it rained yesterday and today, because life has been pouring down on me. After the last two days, I feel like getting my car and driving away and not coming back. Without going into too much detail, most parts of my life are in difficult phases. My 4 year old (sorry, 4 and 3/4) is going through an attitude phase where he has no respect for his father or me. He rages and throws fits when he feels like it. And no amount of discipline is changing it. My almost 2 year old has a new angry face and walks around saying, "I no like that" about most things. Problems with close family members are overwhelming us and we can't agree on what to do about them. On top of all this I have some ferocious hormones going on and I cry about the smallest things. After all of this reaching its maximum point this afternoon, my first desire is to drive away. But I know in my heart that is not what I really want. I just want a reprieve from this pressure. And when I turn to the Bible and prayer, I do get that reprieve. It is not easy to read the Bible when my children are screaming and I can't even hear myself think. But I pray. And I listen to worship music. And I do what I can. Then I read the Bible when there is peace, and in the morning, and at night. It is the only thing I can do. Because shutting close family out of my life is not an option. And closing my kids in their rooms all day is not an option (although I wish it was sometimes ;-). And driving away from it all isn't an option.

God is putting a song in my head and it is so fitting (of course!) "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns. I have included the lyrics below. I know that God uses all things for the good of those who love Him, and the trials we go through bring us closer to him. I am going to listen to this song and thank God for all He does.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth