Happy Birthday to Me :-)

Wow! It has been almost a month since I last blogged. I do most of my blogging at night, and nights are not the best time for me (as decided by the baby inhabiting my body.) Today, on my 24th birthday, I want to reflect on my life and the road that the Lord has led me down.
 First, a little history. I graduated from high school when I was 16. I started community college when I was 16, and this is when and where I met Jimmy. I got pregnant and married (in that order) when I was 18. I gave birth to my firstborn child, my son Tucker Richie Balderas on July 12, 2006, when I was 19 years old. This more than anything changed my life forever. From this point on, I knew that God put me on this planet to be a mom to my child (and subsequent children.) I had Tucker completely naturally, with no drugs. This gave me the confidence to know that I could do anything (of course with God's help.)  On the weekend of my 20th birthday I was baptized for the first time after a desire to renew my faith as an example for my son. Within months we found the Movement and made it our home. When I was 21 I became a Lactation Consultant, desiring to help new moms and babies, which was inspired by my birth story. On August 25th, 2009, when I was 22, I became a mother for the second time, with the blessing of Ava Selina Balderas, my first daughter. I found out I was expecting my third child when I was 23. And I started this blog when I was 23, subsequently beginning a whole new journey to becoming the woman God wants me to be.
 And now I am 24. I am still working on who God wants me to be. I am sure it will be a life long journey, and I look forward to learning more every single year. My prayer for this year is that I am truly open to whatever God asks of me, that I trust Him in every calling He has for me, and that I have no fear of what others think of what I am doing. I don't think that's too much to ask, is it? :-) I know that God hears the desires of my heart and responds to them. My verse for the next year is Philippians 4:13-"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." With even the callings I already know God has in store for the next year, I know I will only be able to do it through Christ's strength. I know that the next year includes the first year of homeschooling, a new baby to add to the brood, and growing in the Lord. I know I could never do this on my own, which gives  God all the glory. I would appreciate your prayers too, and as always, please let me know if there is anything I can pray for you for. Thanks for being on this journey with me, I hope it has inspired a new journey of your own. Here's to 24!

True Joy!

Joy can be a variable emotion depending on many factors. Do you only feel joy when everything goes according to your plans? When things are going your way? Or do you find joy in the surprises God sends along the way? Even if it's not what you had planned on? God gave me a first hand experience with this last week. God decided to send us a little surprise that was not in my immediate plans. God put a tiny blessing in my body, a baby :-) Now, because I am so good at running my mouth and talking about my plans instead of God's plans ;-), you might have heard me say that we were planning on trying for #3 in July after my sisters wedding. Well, God decided that he wanted to teach me that I can't plan anything, that He is the master of my future and I can only hope. And I am honestly okay with this. I will now be pregnant in my sister wedding, but that's okay with me (and okay with her!) I will be pregnant all Summer long (for the third time), but I can deal with it. Ava and this baby will only be just over 2 years apart, and I prefer my children to be 3 years apart. But you know what? God knows my children, my situation, and ME better than anyone on this planet, including myself. I know He takes the desires of my heart and makes them better than I could even imagine. I think God has finally changed this control freak into His daughter who trusts Him whole heartedly. Who would have ever thought!
 My verse for today is Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Also, Philippians 4:4 "Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again--rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." I am just going to rest in that verse for awhile, what peace! God bless :-)

Slow to Anger...Oh That's What I am Supposed to Be Doing.

Some days...Today has been one of those days. From the moment Tucker woke up this morning, it has been nonstop power struggles and disciplining. As calm as I was through the majority of the disciplining, I lost it towards the end. Love is slow to anger, and today, I was not. 1 Corinthians 13:5b states, "Love...is not easily angered." Sometimes I feel justified in being angry, after all I did take almost an hour of being screamed at and having to discipline the same child for the same thing three times. But that is completely wrong. I think of all the things I have done that have angered the Lord. And does He hold that over my head? Absolutely not! He forgives me for all my wrong doings, as long as I repent. My goal is to try to demonstrate that same love and compassion for my children. Christ is the only perfect one, we all make mistakes. Yet, Christ is the one who died for our sins, WHILE we were still sinners! He loved us despite our faults, and I need to do the same with my kids. It is my job to lead my children with a good example, asking for forgiveness when I become angry. Being a parent isn't always easy, and neither is being a kid. We both need grace and mercy. I am trying to teach them and asking the Lord to teach me. My inspiration for today is not so much about forgiveness or anger, but about teaching. It's a reminder to keep my cool in all circumstances, because my kids are learning from me at all times. "You shall teach them to your children, talking of them when you are sitting in your house, and when you are walking by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise." Deuteronomy 11:19. I pray every day for better control of my emotions because He is the only one that can truly get them under control. I am trying to teach my children to do the same. Is this something you need to work on? If so, let me know and I will pray for you :-) Have a blessed day.

That is Not Lovely

Time flies by. I attempt to complete all my tasks on the list in my head. Clean the house. Feed the kids. Complete Life Group homework. Make time for hubby. The last thing on my list (sadly) is blogging. I would love to do it daily, as I first intended to, but it just doesn't happen. I continually think about doing it, it's just a matter of finding the time. Put God always shows me when I have waited too long and points me back. Yesterday I was very snappy, short tempered, and angry for no general reason (other than being tired, not a great excuse.) Then, last night I was reading the kids devotional when I had to stop and laugh out loud. The title of the days message was "Forget About It" and the verse was "Love is patient...it does not easily become angry. It does not keep track of other people's wrongs." 1 Corinthians 13:4-5. I love how God reprimands me in the most gentle, humorous way! I am trying to teach my kids to be patient, slow to anger and forgiving, after I yelled at them for tiny infractions of "Mom's Law." And I kept getting more and more angry because I was not forgiving them (or repenting) from what happened! I was "keeping track of other people's wrongs!" I was completely humbled by the Lord's gentle reminder that I cannot teach what I am not willing to do myself. Actions speak louder then words, and yelling speaks louder than a devotional. I repented to the Lord and vowed to make tomorrow a better day. Patience and being slow to anger go hand in hand. Why do I usually get angry? Because someone is not obeying me immediately. I am not saying children should not obey their parents the first time, I am saying my expectation of lightening quick obedience is not realistic. My speed of 100 miles an hour is generally not the speed of a 4 year old trying to put his shoes on or picking out his clothes. One definition of patience is even tempered, the capacity for calmly enduring a painful situation. I would say trying to get out the door on time for church while a 1 year old and 4 year old are trying to brush their teeth and pick out a toy for the car in their own sweet time is a painful situation. But whose fault is it that we didn't have enough time? Not theirs! It's mine for not getting everyone up early enough. So if I should be impatient with anyone, it should be myself.
I am working on setting up my life to avoid "triggers" for impatience and anger. These include giving myself enough time to not be rushing out the door. I am also trying to go at a slower speed that is more realistic for my childrens ages. I want to be a model of patience to my children, not a model of anger. My verse for motivation today is not necessarily directed towards mothers. It is for people spreading the Word of the Lord. But isn't that what motherhood is? "I charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by his appearing and his kingdom: preach the word; be ready in season and out of season, reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching." 1 Timothy 4:1-2. This verse is kind of out of left field, but it really spoke to me as a mom. "Be ready in season and out of season." Whether your ready to be patient or not, you have to be. "Reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching." Everything I teach my children, from how to obey, listen to wisdom, make the right choice, etc., I need to do so with biblical teaching and patience. My goal for this week is to be patient. I'm sure I will be tested. But with God, I can be who He made me to be. Will you be patient this week?

The Begining of Love

I think everyone has heard 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 at least once at a wedding or movie about a wedding. It starts, "Love is patient, love is kind..." I have heard it many times without going too much into thought over it. But recently God has really been drawing my eye to this passage. After several weeks of meditating (and procrastinating) on this scripture, God actually put it in our Life Group homework tonight. So, I shall procrastinate no longer! I want to go into a mini-study on 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 as it pertains at the fruit of the spirit. I believe that every term listed under love can be attributed to another fruit of the Spirit, in addition to love. It is easy to think we have the love fruit handled. Of course I love my husband, I definitely love me kids, I "love" my phone/tv/Facebook/(insert name of object-you-cant-live-without here). But what does love really mean. This is my goal, to define love in Biblical terms and to go in depth on each section until I can embody love.  So here we go...
"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."

Today, I have to start with "love is not irritable." I have been SOOO irritable today. I haven't felt that great and I have been tired. Jimmy has been working almost 60 hours a week, so that leaves me to pick up the slack and be the soul source of nourishment, entertainment, transportation, bookkeeping, scheduling, and not to mention discipline to my children. These are not excuses, just a glance at where my life is at the moment. So I was snappy all day. And it didn't end when my husband got home from his almost 12 hour day (don't boo me, I already feel bad enough as it is :-/ I was even getting irritated with my husband over Life Group homework. Talk about a grouch! That was when God threw me this scripture again, reminding me that I seriously need some help expressing love to my family. After reading it, I knew I need to write this blog. If we should not be irritable, what is the opposite of irritable? The thesaurus lists the antonym of irritable as easy going. Huh, easy going. I don't think I would ever describe myself as easy going. This is something I am going to work on over the next several days. Easy going sounds way more fun to be around than irritable! Another antonym, I would say, is joy. You cannot have joy and be irritated. If I am finding joy in my children wanting my attention, I, therefore, cannot be irritated by it. I am blessed to have people who love me so much that they want to be around me and show me there many talents (such as: jumping off the sofa, hitting a baseball, sharing with their sibling, etc.). There may come a day that my children don't ask me to watch them do things anymore if I always act irritated by it, in fact I know there would be. I AM joyful that my children care enough about me to show me things. If my husband desires me, I should be joyful. There are many men out there who do not find their wives desirable and go outside their marriage to satisfy their desires. I should NEVER be irritated that my husband finds me attractive. I am blessed to have someone who feels that way about me. I should never be irritated, period. There is no reason other than being ungrateful for the beautiful life I lead. I am humbled as I write this for the sour attitude I had today. Forgive me Lord, I will forever look at being irritable in a different light.
Please join my in discontinuing irritability from your life. Don't settle for excuses, do it today. Your outlook will be forever changed :-)

Five Years of Wedded...

On the eve of my five year anniversary, I would like to tell you the story of two young kids that fell in love and found Jesus. It's a little heavy on the details (and the cheesiness), so if you don't want to know, then don't read it! My reason for wanting to share this is to show that God can save any marriage, and to let you know that nobody's perfect. I (of course) have permission from my husband to share this story :-)
It starts at Palomar College in January of 2004. I was 16 years old and starting my second semester of college. On the first day of English 100 I spotted a handsome, quiet Mexican home boy (just kidding, he was more like a spoiled little Encinitas boy, lol.) After getting to know each other in small group discussions, I asked Jimmy if he would like to sit by me, and he declined. Not being one to back down, I asked him once more several weeks later and he accepted my invitation to sit together in the back row. Come to find out later, his mom told him not to get involved with underage girls (which was probably good advice!) The teacher had us exchange numbers to call each other for homework, so I already had his number. After Jimmy didn't show up for the last day of school, I called him to see if he wanted to hang out sometime. He came over that night, lol! From the moment we started talking and spending time together, we knew we wanted to be together forever. And if it was only that easy...after several weeks of dating I found out that the reason this handsome boy was so quiet most of the time is because he was stoned...most of the time. Having been in a previous relationship with some of the same issues, I offered him an ultimatum. Stop smoking weed or we're done. So he stopped smoking, for a little while. And then starting smoking again, but failed to let me in on that small little detail. I found out and was furious. I tried to break it off, but I loved him so much that I gave him second chance. Which turned into a third chance, and fourth chance, and probably more, I lost track. After about a year and eight months of dating, we were surprised with news that we would be having a child. This was finally enough for Jimmy to stop smoking weed for good. We were engaged (somewhat), at least we knew we wanted to get married in the summer of 2007. But this pressing news moved the wedding up to January 2006. We planned our wedding in two months, and it is actually quite a blur still to this day. Our wedding was beautiful, I wouldn't have changed a thing. I was still able to have the kind of wedding I wanted. So we started our lives as grown ups, thinking we new everything and could handle it all. We were sadly mistaken. After the wonderful birth of Tucker, taking time off from work, and everything that comes with having a baby, the bills were piling up and the tension was getting high. We were fighting over pretty much everything. On top of all that I had discovered shortly after getting married that Jimmy had an addiction to pornography. It was heartbreaking. I thought marriage was supposed to be happy, easy, and perfect. Instead I felt betrayed, unloved, and pissed. I tried everything to get him to stop, including having him sign a contract stating that if he watch porn again that Tucker and I would be leaving him. The problem was every time he would mess up, I would tell him exactly how to fix it. "Be on your best behavior, buy me something pretty, and then I will be mad for a month and then forgive you." (Seriously, I was so crazy and controlling.) You would think that would be enough to stop him, but the devil's hold was so strong. I did catch him again, and Tucker and I did leave. In my heart, I knew I would never leave him forever. But I made a contract and I had to stick to it. So I packed us up and moved to my moms house. Everyday Jimmy would come over after work and try to make things better. Having had me fix all of his problems for him, he didn't know how to fix it for himself. I told him to figure it out and come back tomorrow. He came back the next day with a list. On it he said, "Go to the Movement every Sunday. Join a Life Group. Attend marriage counseling if necessary. Not go on the computer anymore. Try my hardest to not do this again. Try to forgive me for what I've done." As mad as I wanted to be, I couldn't anymore. This was the turning point. This was the biggest moment in our walk with God. This was the beginning of a truly blessed life with the Lord and each other. We joined Pastor Marc's Life Group and learned what it meant to be in a church family. We have never missed a Sunday without reason of illness or vacation. We LOVE being involved in our church family. And it all started from a horrible moment in our lives. God can take the ugly and make it beautiful. He has been refining both of us (especially me) throughout the last 3+ years that we have been attending the Movement. God is so good, if you will just trust Him.
I love my husband more today than I ever could have imagined standing at the altar on my wedding day. He is the most handsome, loving, caring, hard working, husband and father I could have prayed for and I thank God for him every single day. I am blessed and honored to be Mrs. Balderas :-)
If you are in the same position and need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to contact me. I know exactly how you feel, and that God can bring you through this. I hope this touched someone out there. Peace and God bless :-)

Wallking on Sunshine

I am amped today! After almost two weeks of holding a baby with a double ear infection and six teeth coming in, I finally get to sit down and write. My awesome in-laws kept my kids last night so I could get a good nights sleep and go to work this morning. Instead of picking them up after work, they wanted to keep them a little longer. So I got to go grocery shopping-BY MY SELF!!! (For those of you who are moms, you know how sweet that is!) and now I get to write and then go for a walk. Most importantly, I have been spending time really focusing on the Lord today, despite all of the other things I had to get done. Without the constant chatter of the beautiful little voices of my babies, I can actually think. I can thank the Lord for the life I have and also for the breaks that I get. I can pray for our church, the pastors, the congregation, the classes. I can just be in awe of the beautiful world that God made. All of these things are bringing me such joy today! I feel like Someone turned my joy switch way up! And I struggled with how to write this without sounding like a crazy person, but maybe that's what I am, I person crazy filled with joy. And if I am, I wouldn't want to be any other way :-) My verse for meditation today is 1 Peter 1:8 "Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory." I love the phrase "with joy that is inexpressible." I guess that's what I am trying to say, I can't express how much joy I have. I just feel like dancing! Okay, that's enough of my craziness. I am so joy filled today, I hope that it spills over on you. I pray you find joy today, no matter your circumstance. Get out there and enjoy the beautiful world the Lord has made! God bless!