I am coming out of the fog that is created upon the entrance of a new life into the world. This fog had the ability to be completely blissful or scary and confusing. I'm sad to say this fog has been both, bittersweet. The joy of a new life mixed with the sadness that I will never be able to spend as much time alone with this baby as I did with the first. Guilt over not being able to provide enough time and attention for each child, so it feels like no one wins. Frustration that I can't get everything done that I need to get done. Add hormones and screaming children to this and you get a mental breakdown (or two). Still, with all these things, with the underlying happiness that a new baby brings. It is hard for me to admit this, because I like to feel like I can do anything. I like to think I always have everything under control and nothing is hard for me. But this has been hard. And God needed me to go through this so I can refocus and rely on Him. He lent me these three babies to raise, so I know through Him I have every strength and ability I need to do it. He put in my heart the desire to homeschool my child, so I know He will show me how to fit it in to this new life with three little people. I am ashamed to say I doubted His plan in the first few weeks of homeschooling after the baby, I was ready to give up and drive Tucker to a normal school. But He reassured me in many ways. And I am so thankful to my wonderful family and friends who supported and helped me in the last month.
Today is Sadie's one month birthday and I am starting to feel like life is getting back to normal. School is back on track, cleaning is back on track, and my mind is somewhat back on track. That is the hardeest part, focusing and changing my thinking. As busy as I am, I have to make reading the Bible and praying my first priority. This scripture fits my struggle perfectly, John 6:63 NLT, "The Spirit alone gives eternal life. Human effort accomplishes nothing. And the very words I have spoken to you are spirit and life." Human effort accomplishes nothing. I have to rely on the Lord. That will be my goal for now, have a blessed day.